Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Wishes

Just on the heels of my attempted comeback, I will be taking a few days off for some Holiday festivities.  I know, I know - pretty brash move, eh?  But hey - comebacks are the order of the day.  Take Mel Gibson for example.  For all the crazy racist, sexist shit that guy has pulled recently - here he is on the brink of a major comeback...and doing so with a huge beaver, to boot!

Anyway, before I go, I thought I would share with you some Christmas wishes of some of the boys in the pro-peloton this year...Let's hope Santa is listening.

Riccardo Ricco is hoping for some Rudy Projects with matching lenses....

David Zabriskie is wishing for some back-up singers...

LA is hoping he can continue to hypnotize everyone....

Michael Rasmussen is wishing for a cougar in a leopard print....oh wait a minute - he already got that on Dancing with the Stars.....and hell - he got another one in stripes to sponsor his new one-man bike team!!!

Since he's already got his companionship covered, let's hope Santa will throw some sunscreen and a couple of cheeseburgers in his stocking...

And lastly, Mark Cavendish is wishing he could have one more crack at the 1998 Isle of Man Tango Competition which he lost because he couldn't dance in a straight line....

 Anyway - here's hoping you get something under the tree you really dig....even if you are a creepy looking ginger-kid.

As for Daddy?  He just needs one little thing...and Momma knows just what it is...

Happy Holidays, peeps from the entire COMO CYCO crew... 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Biting, Boobs and "The Beazed"

I read with great interest in cyclingnews this morning that Fabian Cancellara was finally awarded his 2008 Silver Olympic medal at a special ceremony recently.  If you remember, Fabian originally won the Bronze in the 2008 Olympic road race and Davide Rebellin took Silver.  But that was before Rebellin tested positive for EPO/CERA and had to give his medal back.  Cancellara was reportedly most happy because the medal he was given was the exact same one that was taken away from Rebellin.

"It’s the original medal that was given to Rebellin. It has some marks on it so I can tell it was his."

Although the article doesn't specify, I'm guessing that upon closer inspection, the marks left in Rebellin's medal were actually teeth marks from him striking the ever popular "biting the medal" pose after the ceremony.
(A picture of not David Rebellin not actually biting the medal)

And much like the teeth marks left on a pencil found in the glove compartment of Jon Voight's car in Seinfeld, so too could these marks be matched back to Rebellin's dental arcade to validate the origin of the medal should Cancellara ever want to pawn it.  That said, one cannot discount the fact that the teeth marks may not have been made by Rebellin himself, but rather are those of an adoring fan.  Of course, I'm not sure how cycling compares to other sports in spectator popularity in Italy. But here in the states, fans are apparently willing to bite the medals right off American Olympic snowboarders, for example - even the lowly Bronze medal.  Case in point: Proud U.S. Olympic snowboarder Scotty Lago wearing his Bronze medal in his groinal region and having it nibbled upon thusly:

(DO NOT try this at home.  Scotty Lago is a trained professional and has years of experience teabagging women with dangling metal objects.  Further, the woman in the photo is wearing a mouthguard to prevent tooth chipping and is also believed to be very stupid.)

In other news, Mark "The Manx Missile" Cavendouche has found himself a lady friend, according to the UK paper The Sun.
And low and behold, it is The Sun's own "Page 3" girl, Peta Todd.  England, like many other developing nations, realized some time ago that conventional newspapers are a dying form of communication.  Increasing numbers of people are choosing to read news online at work instead of actually working at work, or reading the news in the paper when they get home at night.  Of course newsprint still has a certain demand in society and the day when fishermen start wrapping their haddock in laptops will truly mark the time of a bygone era.  But wrapping fish isn't the only thing that printed paper does better than computers, and the Brits are out to maintain demand for their daily rag by serving up a little softcore in the daily newsprint.  That brings me back to Peta Todd, Cavs new "lady friend".  The Sun's "Page 3" is essentially devoted to topless women.  And it is on Page 3 where more pictures of Peta, (and conveniently pictures of more Peta ) can be found:
(A photo of Ms. Todd, rendered SFW with two strategically placed crying Cavendouches.  You see - if the COMO CYCO was printed on paper and delivered to your home, you could see an uncensored version of the photo in the privacy of your house during dinner....and then wrap your fish up in it.)

And lastly, you've probably heard by now that Floyd Landis recently played an instrumental part in the federal investigation of Michael Ball's Rock Racing by wearing a wiretap during meetings he had with Ball which reportedly revealed a plethora of doping products.  But what you may NOT have heard is that Floyd's one-man crusade to clean up the sport not only includes participation in the fed's investigation, but also training EPO-sniffing dogs which he's teaching to attack on command....

Here we can see him training his dog named "The Beazed" to attack a green ring of some sort.  Of course, dogs see color differently, so to The Beazed, a green ring actually looks something like this:
(By the way, if you find one of these on e-bay with some teethmarks on it, make sure to snag it.  It could be worth a lot more.)

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Return of Friday Mail

Having recently returned from a respite of RipVan Winklalian proportions, today we find the mailbag virtually bursting at the seams like a fat kid's Aquaman underoos.  But before we can start tearing into those letters, I feel it important to bring up an article that was published today over at Cyclingnews regarding some very pointed remarks that former world champion Moreno Argentin has for Alberto Contador and the current pro road peloton in general.

If you are not familiar with Argentin, he is an Italian retired pro with an impressive list of palmares including stage wins in the Tour de France, Giro, Tour de Suisse, victories at Liege-Bastogne-Liege, La Fleche Wallone, Ronde van Vlaanderen and the Grio di Lombardia, not to mention multiple Italian national championships and one World championship in 1986.
(He was also born without an upper lip which means that his moustache, unfortunately, will grow directly into his mouth)

At any rate, this is what Argentin had to say about Contador and the peloton:
"Contador is a carefully calculated racing machine, made in a laboratory for one race: the Tour.  It doesn't seem to matter if he's got personality or not.  He and Schleck are the same.  You know how they're going to race: you know where to wait for them to do something.  They haven't got any originality........Now, the riders are all robots....with radios the riders seem to be controlled by a joystick.  The whole sport is in a mess."

Speaking of joysticks, it was Mr. Joystick himself, Mario Cippolini, who also struck out against Contador and the peloton exactly one week ago....

"In five hundred years or more, human beings might have both sets of genitalia, male and female.  I don't want this evolution to have started already in cycling"

How's that as a nod to women cyclists?

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that Argentin and Cipo are friends and like to vacation together.  On one recent ski trip, they had this photo taken of themselves together which they've used as a Christmas card they are sending out to the cycling community this year.  I was lucky enough to be the recipient of one and thought I would share.

And with that - on to a few letters!

Dear PooBah,
Where the hell have you been, man?  I mean - seriously?  I know you weren't sleeping for 79 days!
Yours -
Tim O.

About 79 days ago, my significant other gave me two gifts that greatly affected my life and forced me to take some time off from blogging (and no - they weren't the clap and the Baywatch DVD box set).  They were, however: #1) a bedazzler and...#2) dance lessons.

Dear PooBah,
Christmas is just around the corner and I need a gift for my boyfriend.  He is a roadie...and his favorite cyclist is Contador.  Do you have any ideas?  THANKS!
Tricia P.

You might consider a cycling related graphic T-shirt.  They are all the rage these days.
(here's one I picked out for your boyfriend.  He can buy it here)

Dear PooBah,
I'm a Cat 5 and raced a lot this past year.  I saved up all my race numbers from the entire season but don't know what to do with them all.  I was thinking about assembling them in a large collage and having it framed for my house - because each one rekindles a special set of memories for me.  Or maybe I could put them on my bike one at a time while I'm on the trainer this winter to help encourage me to keep riding.  Do you have any other suggestions?
Sam T.

Unless you are a Pro1/2 and just won any race that didn't take place in a shopping mall parking lot, there's a certain etiquette with respect to race numbers.  You must remove the number from your bike as soon as you can following the race and certainly BEFORE you put the bike on your car rack to drive it home....Imagine it as a turd in your have to disclaim ownership to it as quickly as you can. Anything else makes you look like a Posie McDouche and will prompt heckles from all of the real cyclists who drop you on the weekend rides like you are the turd in their chamois.  However, if you want to show a little individuality, you could have one of these made from your race numbers... cause this isn't douchie at all....
(here's the link, Sammy!)

Thanks for reading's good to be back.  Safe riding this weekend.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Winter cycling news....boring and a little creepy

Once cross season is over, reading winter cycling news is just about the most boring thing you can subject yourself to.  "Team 'blah-blah-blah' is holding their winter training camp in the Bahamas, while team 'who-gives-a-shit' is welcoming its new members on the southern coast of Spain."  We sit in cold homes and offices and watch the tropical frivolity unfold.  But which photographer thought is was necessary to take a picture of Garmin's Jonathan Vaughters spray his hairy ankles with insect repellent to keep the sand flies away in the Caymans:

Or observe David Zabriskie attending an evening soiree in a hideous mini-muumuu:
Of course, I'm sure these guys don't exactly appreciate having the cycling paparazzi in their face 24/7 either....especially when you are the World Champion and are just trying to dry hump a giant iguana.  I mean - doesn't the rainbow jersey earn you a little privacy now and then?

Or how about having your photo taken if you're the SaxoBank boys windsurfing at a nude beach:

Of course, any disdain on my part toward these stories is born out of two things: 1) I already have cabin fever and it's not even Christmas yet, and 2) I want to get to ride a giant friggin' iguana!

It was in the midst of this dark place of cold toes and iguana envy that I stumbled upon an advertisment for a winter cycling challenge from Rapha.  Titled the Rapha Festive 500, the company is challenging cyclists worldwide to ride 500 km between December 23 and December 30th.  Each cyclist is responsible for documenting the accumulated mileage themselves and submitting said data via Flickr, Vimeo, YouTube or in blog format.  If you are one of the first 100 to complete the distance in the alloted time you win this.
Whoa - ease up on the giving spirit of Xmas, Rapha - you'll overwhelm us with the 100 cheap-ass little patches you're handing out.

However, if you document your 500km in a way more creative than anyone else, you can also win the "Deep Winter Training Bundle" which sadly does not include a trip to the Cayman Islands, or an iguana ride, but rather a bunch of winter riding clothes, well-crafted to be sure, but also certain to be the target of much ridicule by those you are riding with....especially if you take the time to sew the patch on. Sadly, the $70 special Rapha+PaulSmith Silk riding scarf which also featured prominently on the Rapha website these days is not included amongst the prizes.
(What a shame - this would have really looked good on the COMO CYCO dog, too.)

 In other fascinating winter-time cycling news, Columbia HTC just released photos of their new cycling kit, as demonstrated here by Tony Martin.
Sprinter extrodinaire Mark Cavendouche wasted no time busting his out on a training ride....

...which unforunately was cut short because his feet couldn't reach the pedals, and he tired of his assistant having to hang on to his "steering tube."

Amongst all of this boring winter cycling news, the most unsettling thing I have stumbled upon, however, has to be this photo of SaxoBank directeur Bjarne Riis playing in the sea with his new Luxembougless SaxoBank squad:

Where did the man's chin go?  Did he lose it in the surf, or was it gnawed off by a reef shark? Does anyone remember the 1982 movie The Thing made by John Carpenter where an alien life form is encountered in the Arctic that can take over bodies?  Do you remember this particular incarnation of the The Thing?

I swear - you put this thing in a high-collared skin suit - and you've got surf-folicking Bjarne Riis....

I'ts going to be a long winter.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Out of hibernation: Wednesday weed and peer pressure

Talk about oversleeping......I woke up this morning to the ear-shattering buzz of my alarm clock and suddenly realized I had overslept by an hour and something like 79 days.  Some of you may have been wondering where I've been these past several months.  In actuality, I am using the word "some" generously.  I will expound on that in greater detail in a moment.  First, let me ask you if you have seen the movie Friday?  Yes, the 1995 movie starring an actor named Ice Cube written by somebody named DJ Pooh.  If so, you may remember the scene where hood resident Deebo (seen here)

arrives over at Craig's house on a stolen beach cruiser (seen here)
to try to coerce Craig and his buddy Smokey to help him rob the neighbor's house.  Of course, Craig and Smokey have a busy day already planned out for them and want nothing to do with Deebo's scheme. But Deebo has a certain penache in the ways of motivation and soon he has convinced the boys to reluctantly help him out.  The entire exchange is summed up by Craig in a single, succint and eloquent statement.

"Peer pressure is a mother fucker."

Yes, well, so too can blogging resemble coital relations with a maternal unit occasionally.  Not in the sense that I worry that someone is going pop a cap in my ass over a bad post (or in my case when every post is a bad post).  But still - there's a certain kind of self-inflicted pressure here, and I was in need of a little break.  And that gets me back to my initial statement that some of you may have wondered where I was, low these many months.  Well, in my absence, I contacted a statistician to conduct a poll of one-time readers in the attempt to ascertain just how many of you were actually missing regular COMO CYCO updates to lend some justification to starting the old COMO CYCO site back up again.  Here are the results:

Apparently, a whopping 9% of you were actually missing regular COMO CYCO blog posts.  Since I only have 14 regular readers, that means that only 1.26 actual people were desiring additional content.  I can only assume that this person is either 1) pregnant with a fetus in their first trimester, or 2) has an attached, not fully developed twin, like that guy in the movie Total Recall.
(No, this is not Tyler Hamilton, although he did try this defense once.)

That said, if we add up the folks who reported that they missed COMO CYCO (9%), with those unaware of a blog named COMO CYCO (42%) and the individual who likes turtles (1%), then the 48% who are NOT missing this blog are in the minority.  Thus, there is at least some justification to try to start posting once again....that and I found a bike parked on 9th street today that is worth sharing.

Aside from the fact that this is a vintage Trek 420, thus numerically fitting with the "Wednesday Weed" theme of today's posting, it's the combination of rear cargo rack and aero bars that really caught my eye.  Clearly, this is a cyclist who demands both utility and speed on their commute to work in the morning.  Its kind of like the bicycle version of this.

(Sweet clip-on spoiler for performance AND a hatchback for easy rear loading.)

In his or her defense, this cyclist probably runs with several cycling crowds (at the very least, both commuters and triathletes) and is attempting to conform to the style of both simultaneously, not wanting to suffer the criticism of either group.  Peer pressure is indeed, a mother fucker.

At any rate, I have decided to knock the dirt off and lube up the chain of this old blog once again, for better or worse.  I cannot promise posting with the regularity of the halcyon days of the COMO CYCO site, but will do my best, and welcome you, once again, to come along for the ride.