Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Changes are coming!

Monday morning, we awoke to a world far different than the one we left last week.  Something so monumental happened over the weekend, that our very definition of humanity has been forever changed.  You may think I'm referring to the man who rode in a helium-filled balloon 24 miles into the sky to the very edge of space, hurled his body out of it toward the earth and in so doing broke the speed of light with his own person, and little else, as reported by MSNBC.
 
There is the little grey blip of Fearless Felix as he became the first man in history to travel faster than the speed of light.  Of course that can't actually be Felix in that image, because travelling the speed of light means he traversed those 24 miles in a shorter time than what the human eye could even perceive - so that must be the turd he shat shortly after he realized he was going a whole lot faster than the speed of sound, which is what the physics professors told him he would achieve.  What an effing doper.  This is the kicker with doping - if you're going to do it, you have to learn to throttle back on your performance or it just looks too obvious!  Lord knows how many 'red eggs' his Red Bull was spiked with.
 
No, the real sporting achievement I'm speaking of this past weekend was from this guy:
Keith Levasseur
 
According to Runner's World, Keith Levasseur ran Saturday's Baltimore Marathon in 2:46:58.....wearing flip flops. An in so doing, he set a World's Record for fastest marathon time in flip flops. Now, many of you will scoff at him being awarded notoriety and fame for  running a marathon in inappropriate footwear - but I disagree.  You see, chasing such records is what allows people like Keith and me to feel relevant in an overly-competitive society.  Let's face it, Keith was never going to be able to break a world record marathon time in normal footwear.  Just like I could never break the hour record in cycling.  But I bet I could set the hour record wearing nothing more than a diaper - but only because nobody else has ever done it!  In fact, I've employed the help of the entire COMO CYCO team to help me in this endeavor.  I will keep you all posted on my progress....
 
Has anything major happened in the world of cycling recently, however?  Not much.....except that Levi Leipheimer got fired from Omega-Pharma-QuickStep for admitting he doped by a team manager (Patrick Lefevere) who was a doper himself (how's that for ironic). 
Oh yeah and Nike is under suspicion for paying half a million dollars to Hein Verbruggen to cover up Lancie's positive EPO test at the 2001 Tour de Suisse...I wonder what's going to happen this Saturday when Nike and the Livestrong Foundation are sponsoring the University of Texas' "cancer awareness game against Baylor" broadcast on ABC during which Nike and Livestong will be making a presentation and the 17,000-seat student section are all supposed to be wearing Livestrong T-shirts Nike has made for the game in vibrant Lance Yellow #7.  If there is a better example of a three-way mutual circle jerk on the planet this Saturday, please somebody, let me know.
 
But honestly, Lance should not despair.  According to a new study just published, testosterone administration substantially reduces lying in men:
 
So I imagine with all the T he loaded up on over the years, it's just any day now before Lance's mouth is going to open up and he's going to start vomiting the truth for like a month straight. But afterwards he's going to feel so much better.  Just like Tyler said, the truth is going to set him free.  Well actually he will probably go to jail - but you know what I mean.

 
And with all of these monumental developments in the sporting world, I think it is appropriate that I make the announcement that the COMO CYCO site is on the brink of some major changes that I'm very excited about.  Very soon, we will be shedding the world of blogging like a wet, sandy chamois at the end of a long gravel ride, and embracing the world of real websites.  To this end, I feel very fortunate to announce that I've coerced assembled some of COMO's finest writing-cyclists to start contributing regular content to the new site, which will cover a wide range of topics - all things cycling here in Columbia.  We will also be soliciting articles from you - the COMO cycling tifosi.
 
My partner in crime, the lovely GEEC, is working tirelessly to get the new site up and running, by which I mean she paid the 18 bucks required to secure a domain name with my credit card last night and looked at some different fonts for the header before she ate some cookies and fell asleep.  But hey, it's a start!  We already have a great race report for last weekend's Burnin at the Bluff that we are eager to post - so please stay tuned, kids.  Great things are on the horizon.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Post a Comment