Columbia Missouri Cycling Cooperative

Happy COMO AWESOMO-Eve!

2011-11-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

Ah yes dear readers, today is the eve of the return of cyclocross to Columbia, and the entire town is positively buzzing with excitement. If you are reading this blog from somewhere other than Missouri - you may not have understood the context of that hypertexted link. It seems that the head football coach of the University Missouri was busted for driving his vehicle under the influence of alcohol this past week. And all I can say to Coach Pinkel is this. Dude - you should seriously think about taking up cyclocross. Not only is operating your mode of transportation under the influence permissible, it's highly encouraged! I believe the po-po finally pulled you over for lane violations - correct? Shit - during a cross race, if you blast through the barrier tape, the fans will probably actually give you more beer! It sounds like you've got 'cross in your blood, my friend (along with 6 or 7 Natty Lights).

At any rate - I thought that in celebration of tomorrow, we should have special cyclocross-themed Friday mail. So, from the hundreds of letters I've received this week, I've weeded out only the cylocross-related notes to post for you today. Enjoy:

Dear PooBah,
Can you fill me in on the rules of heckling? I want to come watch the COMO AWESOMO race tomorrow - but want to make sure I don't cross any boundaries with what I can say and do to the racers. For example, is this allowable?

Thanks a bunch! Looking forward to tomorrow -

Pete G.

Pete-

Great question. I'm going to have to refer to a higher power on this one: The St. Louis Biking Message Board where a recent post reviews the rules and etiquette of "hecklery."

1. No touching riders actively racing

2. No throwing, spitting, or discharging objects from a device at riders. Even if you know them.

3. Heckling insults should reply on wit rather than obscenity

4. Foul language is permitted as long as there are no children within an acceptable distance. Acceptable distance will be defined as the length of the biggest hill in the race since it is a well known fact that sound travels down hill.

5. Hand ups are permitted as long as a person’s body remains behind the course tape

6. Acceptable handups include: Beer in cans, paper money in denominations of $1 and higher, pizza or other awesome type of food like donuts, beer in plastic cups.

7. Unacceptable handups include: Beer in bottles, canadian paper money, slimy food like baloney, and weather inappropriate items such as Hot Chocolate on a hot day.

8. Spraying riders with beer or other liquid is acceptable only if the promoter has designated a portion of the course as a “spray zone.”

9. Heckling shall be confined to portions of the course a rider is most likely to wipe out and suffer further humiliation.

10. Acceptable Locations include run ups, steep inclines, difficult barriers, mud pits, sand pits, or high speed down hill turns.

11. A rider hopelessly out of contention and suffering shall be heckled excessively, and offered double beer, but no cash.

12. Costumed hecklers will be given priority placement along the course tape.

13. Excessively drunk obnoxious hecklers will leave the venue upon first request.

14. Heckling requires a minimum group of three persons. A group of less than three hecklers will be considered lame losers and risk being heckled by riders for their lamosity.

15. Priority heckling position will be given to those with voice or noise amplifying instruments such as air horns or electronically powered megaphones.

So, whereas this looks like it would get a pass on Rules #8 regarding spraying, #12 regarding the wearing costumes and #14 regarding the group size of the hecklers, I think Rule #2 trumps them all with the "no spitting" clause. So I'd have to say unacceptable, unfortunately.

Dear PooBah,

I'm thinking of dressing up for tomorrow's race, but need a little added incentive. What will you give me if I race dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Looking forward to your reply,

Oscar

Oscar,

I will pay you exactly $4.20 and send you this T-shirt in a women's size XS as pictured.

Dear PooBah,

How did COMO AWESOMO get its name?

Thank!

Gayle

Gayle-

Another good question. Some think it was named after the South Park episode where Eric Cartman dresses up as a robot, the Awesom-o-2000....

But i have it on good authority that real reason behind the name is because there will be pilgrim-costumed human barriers that will need to be either traversed on foot or preferably by bunny hopping.

AWESOM-O!

That's it for today, kids. See everyone at the race tomorrow!

Cyclocross comes back to Columbia - with a death-defying pig colon!

2011-11-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

Hey kids. Cyclocross has finally returned to Columbia, where it should be. Why should our COMO kids have to drive two hours in any direction to kick ass when we can do that right here in our own back yard? Here's the scoop:

(click to enlargen)

This Saturday, November 19th in Phillips Park, it is on like Donkey Kong. So now you are asking yourself, "Where in the shit is Phillips Park?" Well, I'm a-gonna show you.

Take 63 South from I-70 to the Discovery Parkway exit and turn right. The Park is on the right along the shore of the lovely Perry Phillips Lake. In case Siri is guiding you, just tell her the official address is 5050 Bristol Lake Parkway.

Here's the course layout.

Take special note of that curly-Q section in the middle. That is what is called a "Spiral of Death" for those in the CX biz. Here's what one looks like in action...

Even I have to admit that watching a bunch of C-class racers navigate a Spiral of Death brings absolutely nothing death defying to mind. Instead - they all look like a bunch of slow moving turds making their way down the spiral colon of a pig only to be shat out upon a set of barriers and a run up. (Yes, pigs have sprial-shaped colons....don't ask me how I know this.)

I can say this because I am a C-class racer....so spiral turdville, here I come....let's hope I don't clog up the works.

At any rate, word on the street is that turnout for this Saturday's race is going to be big, with big names coming in from Jeff City, Hermann, St. Louis and Kansas City, and last but not least, all the heavy hitters from little old Columbia including 2010 Bubba CX champion Dan Miller, 2010 Missouri State CX Champion and current Bubba CX points leader Josh Johnson, 2011 Hermann CX champion John Schottler, as well as COMO elite racers Lawrence Simonson, Mike Best, Mike Bruzina and Pam Hinton to name but a few. So even if you aren't coming to race - you aren't going to want to miss out on watching the throw down.

Oh yeah - and you've only got 48 more hours to check out the COMO AWESOMO page on facebook to talk some trash....

What did I miss???

2011-11-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those dreams where you are back in high school, and while on the morning schoolbus remember that you have a trigonometry mid-term, only to then realize that you haven't actually attended a single trig class all semester? And you think to yourself, "Holy shit - what have I been doing for the past month and a half?" Professional sleep-ologists refer to this as an anxiety dream, and I have this particular one all the time. However, in my own version I also arrive to my mid-term and realize I have no pants on. Anyway, the past couple of weeks have been so busy at COMO CYCO headquarters that I arrived today and thought - "Holy shit - where have I been?" Plus, I have no pants on.

So it's time to play catch-up. What did I miss?

Well the biggest news from the past couple of weeks has to be about Alberto Contador. Congratulations are in order because he recently got married! Unfortunately, immediately following the ceremony, he was partially blinded in the left eye by a thrown grain of rice, intended for good luck, but resulting in a deep corneal ulceration.

The crowds were scanned for who might have pelted rice directly at his eyes, and one familiar face was actually seen scurrying away on bicycle.

And in some cruel joke, those in attendance of the wedding who learned that the World Anti-Doping Agency has confirmed that it will not fund follow up studies to confirm the presence plasticizers in Contador's blood during the 2010 Tour, (suggesting he may have received a blood transfusion), decided to mock Bertie by wrapping his wedding car in....you guessed it....a never-ending sheet of plastic.

It could have been worse, I suppose. They could have slathered the car in steak sauce instead.

Sources close to the Contadors have reported that he was pretty nervous about his wedding night and sought some advice regarding how to "seal the deal" so to speak from a popular Spanish talk show specializing in sexual therapy.

Alberto was introduced to a puppet called "Mr. Happy" which proceeded to instruct him on the special art of marital consummation.

And apparently, Jens Voigt was pretty concerned that Alberto didn't really understand that the primary purpose of sexual intercourse is to procreate (he and his wife have a sixpack of kids)....so he sent this story as a gentle reminder via his Twitter feed to Bertie and his new wife....

Congrats, Bertie!

COMO AWESOMO Friday Mail!

2011-11-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering where I've been all week. I could lie and say I've been incredibly busy with work - but I don't want to insult your intelligence like that. So I will be truthful. This week I got the new iPhone 4S....which honestly meant absolutely nothing to me.....at first that is. I simply needed a new phone out of necessity. My old iPhone was rendered nearly unusable after the GEEC tried to dribble it on the garage floor a couple of times. Funny things about iPhones - they are pretty amazing little gadgets, but they don't bounce well. Anyway - after receiving the iPhone 4S, I learned that I can actually converse with a female-voiced internal computer named "Siri", as demonstrated in this advertisment:

Pretty amazing. The iPhone's Siri can help me can seal the big deal while running, check traffic conditions and alert my significant other of my ETA, check the weather in the city to which I will be travelling and many more things. However useful all of these requests seemed, I still thought of an application that could be of more benefit. So as soon as I took Siri out of the box, I told her:

She replied,

Siri then went into map function and showed me the location and name of both stores which were both JC Penny's. This is not exactly my first choice of pants store - but getting the locations and directions of Walmart was probably just too much to ask for. And besides - in desperate times, beggars cannot be choosers.

What impressed me most with Siri was that her voice was very calming and soothing. And there was no criticism or judgement - just helpful information. For example, when I informed her that I had just soiled myself, she could have responded with,

But alas, no. She immediately went into help mode....what anyone of us would want in a moment of crisis. Honestly, I think we could learn a lot from Siri. At any rate - she and I have been conversing quite a bit lately - and yes, I may have become a little preoccupied with her - and thus have neglected you, dear reader. So I apologize.

That said, a good friend just passed this article along to me which has made me a little concerned.

So, my new relationship with Siri could result in me "shooting blanks" so to speak. This is what is called the risk-benefit trade off, and one that Siri and I will wrestle with..... but we'll do it together.

At any rate - I need to mention a few cycling related things, since this is supposed to be a cycling blog, afterall.

First up is the Pro-Cycling Tweet 'O The Week provided this week by Tyler Hamilton's twitter feed in response to the news that Lance Armstrong flew into Boston to give a presentation at Harvard recently:

Let's hope they got a chance to catch up in the men's room.

And far more important than that - I'm happy to announce that Cyclocross is coming back to Columbia! Mark your calendars now. The first annual CoMo Awesomo CX race will be Saturday, November 19th in A. Perry Phillips Park. I don't have all the details now, but will try to track those down for everyone and get them up here soon. Until then - spread the word!

OK - and just a few letters...

Dear PooBah
How many French junior road cyclists can fit up the ass of the junior road world champion Pierre-Henri Lecuisinier?
Just curious -
Edwin K.

Edwin-
None....now that that the French juniors have won the world championship, their heads are just too big.

photo credit.

Dear PooBah,
What do you think David Millar is thinking in this photo?
Thanks!
Kevin H.

photo credit.

Kevin-

Several possibilites, really....take your pick:

a) "Wow, and I thought getting pricked by the EPO needle used to hurt!"

b) "Damn, why is he so angry? I told him he could go first!"

c) "I can't figure out why this damned Breathe Right strip isn't working!"

d) "Gunther - did you bring the DZNutz like I asked you?"

Dear PooBah,

Do you have any idea why Frank Shleck was recently seen half-naked, sitting on a large pole swinging garbage bags at another half-naked dude?

Alex C.

photo credit.

Alex,

Hmmmmm good question. I'm not sure - but here's an equally perplexing one. Why in the hell is he also pretending to be Angus Young from AC/DC?

photo credit.

Dear PooBah,

Chris Horner recently posted a picture of himself doing some new exercises that involve him balancing himself on a single giant ball. This must be a really difficult and dangerous maneuver - eh? Do you think this exercise could catch on with other pros in the peloton?

Jill S.

Jill-

Well, despite the danger, attempting to squish a single-ball that has gotten a little big for its britches is certainly not new to cyclists in the pro-peloton....that's for sure.

Dear PooBah,

Since the Brits won the world road championships, it seems like they've adopted a new superior attitude within the cycling world that has permeated throughout British culture. For example, take a look at the cover of November's issue of Esquire that was released here in the US last week:

Now look at the cover of the November issue of Esquire that was released in the United Kingdom last week!

What's wrong with this???

Thanks!

Herman G.

Herman-

Don't fret too much. For starters, Ms. Lowe's saddle is too low.....I've studied the article in some detail and am also worried that she might have a bit of a drinking problem as well, as it appears that she isn't able to deliver water from her bottle into her mouth successfully at all.

And her cycling shorts are REALLY shy on the chamois! That's going to result in a little chafing, I think.

With all these faux-pas, I wouldn't worry too much about the so-called British cycling superiority...

That's all for today, kids. Have a great weekend!

Happy Halloween Friday Mail!

2011-10-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Karma's a bitch. Tuesday, I wrote a little post in which I teased the local all-women's cycling group which calls themselves the PCBC (which has something to do with feline restraint). That night I rode over to Grindstone to do some "squatchy cross drills" which consist of me lumbering through the woods on bike and grunting and sweating a lot. As I rounded one corner of a grassy lane, I caught a glimpse of something black moving fast.....like really fast.....right at me. By the time my brain registered that it was a black Labrador retriever going hell bent for leather after a Jack Russel terrier, it was too late. The lab slammed herself into my front wheel which resulted in me doing a Half-Joey en-do and landing squarely on my head. And somewhere, some PCBC women giggled....

Anyway - here's your last reminder about tomorrow's MONSTER BIKE BASH!

As ever, the good people at OffTrack events have put together an amazing event for us all tomorrow - and the weather is supposed to be spectacular.

In other news - I feel remiss in not sending out a congratulations to Mark Cavendish in the announcement that hs is going to be a father. He and his significant other, 'Page 3' model Ms. Peta Todd, are expecting, as was announced this week.

Says the oft-topless Ms. Todd: "We planned it. I'm four months gone which means it was conceived in July, during the Tour de France. It's a Tour baby," she said. "We haven't found out the sex yet but we will. I think it's a boy because I've already had a boy, but Mark thinks it's a girl. Athletes often conceive girls during the racing season as their testosterone levels are low."

Hold on a tick. A "Tour baby"? That makes it sounds like this is a regular thing, which I guess makes sense. I mean - the Tour is three weeks long, afterall.....unless you are a sprinter - in which case the Tour is typically only a couple days long. But hang on - Cavs actually finished the race this year (barely)....and he even won the green jersey signifying that he was the fastest (unfortunately for Peta). It certainly is interesting about how most babies conceived during race season are girls due to cyclists' lower testosterone levels. I guess if Peta gives birth to twin boys, we'll know he had a couple of T-patches on his scrote to help him get over the Alps. But at least the twins will be well-fed!

And with that - on to a couple of letters!

Dear PooBah,

Have you heard of the Iceman Cometh Challenge bike race on November 5th in Michigan? I'm sure you've seen who their new sponsor is - right? Here's a hint!

Paul T.

Traverse City, MI

Hey Paul! Yup - none other than Bell's Brewery....elixir of the Gods! But I also hear the REAL "Iceman" is going to make a guest appearance. He's already working on developing an all-natural method of insulating himself from the frigidly brutal cold temperatures that are anticipated.

Dear PooBah,

I'm really worried about my girlfriend. She spends every moment she's not at work on her bicycle. I hardly even ever see her! The other night it was pouring rain outside, so I thought we'd finally be able to go out together - but she said she needed to spend the evening "working on her bikes." The next day I snuck into her appartment and this is what I found!

What am I supposed to do now?

Meredith G.

Reston, VA

Meredith-

Calm down. Everything is going to be OK. At least you didn't have to walk in on her bike lounging in her bed completely naked - right? Anyway - try to accept that you are not the only lady in your lover's life....embrace the fact. Maybe even buy your significant other a T-shirt to celebrate it....I have a suggestion.

Dear PooBah,

How do you like my T-shirt???

HA!

Anonymous

Hey! Your name isn't Jackie Chan, is it?

Dear PooBah,

I really liked your blog post about the PCBC group this past Tuesday, and I support them completely. I hope all the ladies enjoy Halloween....and in case none of them have ideas for decent costumes - here are a couple they may find useful.

Thanks!

Richard F.

People! Let it go already! I mean it!

Dear PooBah,

As a woman, I find bib-shorts to be entirely uncomfortable to wear. I really prefer riding in just regular shorts. However, they never stay where I want them to and ride down too much - and I feel as though I have to constantly pull them up. But I have stumbled upon a little trick to help maintain the position of non-bib shorts while riding that I wanted to share with your readers.

I hope this will help the ladies out there!

Thanks so much -

Tricia G.

Tricia-

I dig they way you've color coordinated your suspenders and jorts to match the colors of your Peugot fixie. And thanks so much for the tip. I have a feeling it will help more guys than girls, somehow - but hey - you never know.

Have a great weekend!

Local news: Control your p****, because it's about to get bumpy!

2011-10-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

As a self-proclaimed bloggeur de bicycles here in COMO-land, I do my best to keep my finger on the pulse of the "bike scene" which is to say, I actually do absolutely no research, nor scout out any bike-related stories whatsoever, and typically just comment on whatever I happen upon, much like a blind squirrel finding the odd, random nut. (Note to self - two great ideas for future band names in that last sentence: "Blind Squirrel" and "Random Nut".) Therefore, it should surprise no one that I've dropped the ball BIG TIME on some recent and future cycling stories and events that I need to mention now.

First of all, this past weekend was the Berryman Trail Epic mountain bike endurance race in the proximity of Steelville, MO. Its significance to COMO kids is that one of our very own (Jon Schottler) held the course record set in 2010. That is, until this year, when Steve Tilford topped it, and then wrote about it as though it were as difficult as riding to the store to pick up a 4-pack of Bartles and James wine coolers. Of course, when you are a cycling bottom feeder like me, and your mantra has become "not last, not lapped," every such feat seems Herculean.....That said, with all due respect (as well as fully disclosing my bias toward COMO's own), I would still suggest that a tad bit more credit was due to Mr. Schottler.

Secondly, the BubbaCross series continues and apparently was rough as a cob this past weekend at Fort Belle Fontain which had the St. Louis Cycling Forum buzzing with commentary in a dedicated thread entitled "Bumpy Bubba":

Posted Yesterday, 03:52 PM

All people who set up a cx race course should have to pre-ride the course or they don't get to set up the courses anymore. If they set up a mean course that breaks bikes rather than showcasing the true spirit of cx, they should be forced to ride the course sans chamois. IMHO

Posted Yesterday, 06:11 PM

This is easy. If you don't like the courses either come out and help design and set up a course or just don't race them! Take your crying ass out to KC or Chicago if Bubba courses are beneath you.

I didn't race this past weekend, so cannot comment on the conditions - but think I have to give it to the second individual here. Despite being a complete CX newb - I'm pretty sure that the "true spirit" of cyclocross is racing until you either want to cry, puke or poop yourself.....or maybe all three at the same time. If the course is smooth - then that will be achieved via exerted effort and if the course is rough, that will be accomplished via exerted effort and taint battering. This little thing called free will allows you to go home without racing if you elect to not pursue the "true spirit".

Anyway - at the end of the day, COMO still prevailed as Dan Miller took another victory despite doing a "Half Joey". (For those of you that don't know, this is going "Full Joey.")

Thus, a "Half Joey" would be if just the cyclist or the bicycle became airborne - but not both simultaneously.

Ok - now for some upcoming ride announcements. This weekend, in addition to Bubba's #4 and #5 cyclocross races in St. Louis, you can get your spook on and do the Monster Bike Bash's ride to Rocheport on Saturday. Or if you want less beer and frivolity and more taint-pain, you can do the Gravel Grumble 100 which starts at Tryathletics at 7:00 AM the same day.

And I don't know how I missed this one - but according to this story in the Columbia Missourian, there is an all-female bicycle group that rides every Tuesday night leaving from RagTag between 7:00 and 7:30 PM:

Perhaps, like me, you saw this disclaimer on the Missourian's page, below the video story:

"The bike club’s name contains a word we normally don’t print because it can be offensive. For more information you can go to the group’s Facebook page."

I have to admit that I was perplexed by this and started wondering what the acronym 'PCBC' actually stood for making it so offensive that the Missourian didn't want to publish it? So, I did as instructed and followed the link to the group's Facebook page and was so enlightened.

There are several things I appreciate about what this group is accomplishing. Firstly, a group like this can develop comraderie amongst female cyclists.

Take what rider Brigid Foley says, "PCBC is definitely about the ladies...you know....no one is there to meet dudes. That's not the point...."

(Come on Brigid, we all know you got that handsome devil's phone number after the photo shoot!)

The lack of men apparently reduces the intimidation factor for new cyclists. Again, says Ms. Foley, "They (men) set such a fast pace and kind of intimidate people that are new to riding." There is no question that this is true. Put two male newbs on bicycles, and they will have graduated to become racing Freds within 15 minutes, or crashed into one another trying. That said, a group calling itself "Pussy Control Bike Club" with the motto "Our Ride, Our Rules" kind of scares the shit out of me, personally, and I've not even put on my skirt to try to ride with them (yet).

(Men are only allowed to tag along on the ride if they either wear a skirt or are bearded and come in the form of a tattoo - in which case they get to ride on the ladies' thighs!!! I just tossed my razor in the garbage can.)

But seriously - why should I be intimidated to ride with PCBC? I think I've always practiced good "pussy control".

I promise that Mr. Pants will either be on his leash or remain in his basket the entire ride.....

Friday Mail: The Bigfoot-Bieber Challenge

2011-10-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the running dialogue we've been having with those readers who wish to remain nameless, this comment was left on Wednesday's post:

Anonymous said...

"If the Bieber ever showed up at a cross race with that bike he would beat Poobah and 3/4 of the other COMO Spandex wearers. "

Well that sounds like a challenge to me. I'm willing to go on record saying right here and right now that I've got more cyclocross talent in my little finger than Justin Bieber has in his entire thumb. And he has a big effing thumb!

As for my COMO compatriots...I will have you know that in last week's Bubba cyclocross races in St. Louis, COMO kids won the Elite Men's 1/2 races both days, secured 3 of the top 5 places on Saturday and now occupy 5 of the top 10 places in the overall points competition. (Check it here). A financial comparison reveals that the combined monetary winnings of all these achievements is comparable to what Bieber earns in approximately 0.03 seconds while on tour. So suck on that, Anonymous!

And speaking of Bubbacross, throwdown #3 is this Sunday in Fort Belle Fontaine park. If you are closer to KC, then the Shawnee Rescue Radcross is happening Sunday.

On to some other mail!

Dear PooBah,

It looks like there was a sighting of Sasquatch at Bubba Cross!

Yvette

Yvette,

My initial response to this was "Crap! - I already have enough competition as it is! I don't need to duke it out with yet another Sasquatch - because if he kicks my ass - then not only will I be the worst Cat 4 racer out there, but I'll be the worst Squatchy Cat 4." However, upon closer inspection, I've determined that #1) this photo wasn't taken at Bubbacross - which means you pilfered this pic from the Interwebs and that's going to piss off one of my Anonymous readers (well done) and #2) this isn't a Squatch at all! If you look closely - you will see a tiny blonde-headed woman clinging to the back of this simian signifying to me that this is actually King Kong. Therefore, I still contend that I'm the fastest Squatch on a bicycle.....that is until Bieber's big-ass hairy thumb wants to challenge me. Thanks for the photo anyway.

Dear PooBah,

Have you seen this sweet deal that RadioShack is offering? I wonder what the ramifications will be for Bruyneel's new "RadioShack-Trek-Leopard Presented by Nissan Thereby Snubbing Mercedes" team?

Samuel G.

Sammy-

Wow - whereas this would certainly be a popular incentive here in the states, no telling how the Luxembourgians are going to take to it. I decided to get in touch with Bruyneel to see what his opinion was on this matter and this is the reply I got.

Dear PooBah,

During my last gravel ride, I happened upon an individual lying in the weeds along the side of the road. I really didn't know how to handle this situation, so photographed it to get your advice.

Should I have,

A) Checked this gentlemen for a pulse?

B) Tried to rouse this fellow and set him on his way?

C) Called 911 immediately?

D) Gone to the nearest house to inquire if they knew the cyclist's identity?

Thank you!

Randy F.

Randy-

Wow - the dude certainly is giving the stitching on his vintage wool Brooks L'Eroica jersey a workout -eh? He's clearly OK by the way he's using his meaty right bicep as a pillow and has his vintage bidon nearby. Therefore, I think you overlooked the best option which I would refer to as 'option E'. First, hide his bicycle behind a nearby shrubbery. Second, empty the entire contents of two Gu gels into his left hand. Third, get back on your bike and ride by him slowly, exclaiming as loudly as possible, "Dude - there's a fucking scorpion on your face!" Forth, accelerate.

Dear PooBah,

Of all the new additions team BMC has made to their roster, who do you think will prove to be the most valuable next year?

Thanks!

Lisa P.

Lisa-

Great question - but a no brainer as far as I'm concerned. It has to be M.C. Gruntsworth. Originally from China, he's small and agile, will ride for practically nothing, and can't talk back if he starts getting unhappy. However, he's been known to destroy hotel rooms if left alone, enjoys licking his genitals and may need to use some breathe-right strips in some of the more mountainous stages.

Dear PooBah,

I'm a bicycle pizza delivery guy and my job depends on me delivering pies to my customers quickly or else they get the pizza for free, and it is taken out of my paycheck. The problem is, I feel so sluggish on the bicycle. What's the quickest and easiest way to get faster. Please help!!!

Thank you!

Wally T.

Wally-

I'm sure you have seen time trialing stages of bicycle races before. The cyclists ride specially designed bicycles and wear specific kits all meant to accenuate their aerodynamics in hopes of making them as fast as possible! I suggest you utilize the same technology. However, I've been working on some modifications I think you should try. Please find enclosed a diagram showing how I think the use of a time trial helmet will help you out.

The blue line represents how the helmet deflects the gaze of other cyclists as they look at you funny....their glances just flow right over your head. And remember - keep your chin on that pizza box to lock it in place!

Dear PooBah,

I know absolutely nothing about bicycles, nor really care, but I'm writing to you because you seem a little pervy - so I'm hoping you might help me out with this one. I was helping to clean out my parents' attic the other day and stumbled upon a cardboard box full of girly magazines. I cannot believe it, but I think my dad might have actually had a porn stash back in the day! I'm not sure if I should confront him with this stuff to determine if he still wants it - or just throw it away. Any advice?

Thanks in advance -

Michael K.

P.S. Hope I didn't offend you with the "pervy" comment....

Michael-

No offense taken. I'm quite sure your Dad will not want these magazines anymore if they were crammed into a box in the attic. I'm actually going to the recycling center soon - and if you want to send them to me, I will take care of them for you. I promise. I will recycle them immediately. Just send them to me. Please.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Unveiled! The lucrative art of blogging.

2011-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

After last week's edition of Friday Mail, a comment was left anonymously which I wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to read:

Anonymous said:

It's amazing that you pay all of that money for the usage rights for photographs for professional bicyclists. That must cost you hundreds of dollars per week. You are one dedicated blogger, because we all know that you would never simply swipe them off the internet.

Oh Anonymous, really you are too kind. The hundreds of dollars I spend every week on bringing my readers quality photographs of professional cyclists pales in comparison to the thousands I spend on photographs of scantily clad women on bicycles. THOSE are the really expensive ones! I kid, I kid. Really - any money I spend is worth the sense of satisfaction I feel when I think that perhaps I've brought a smile to your face, or a tear to your eye with one of them. It's the least I can do, especially when you consider just how lucrative this blog has become. Why, my only sponsor has never even cut me a check - but I cannot bring myself to take down their link, because I really dig their product! (It's really helping me fight a scorching case of pubic lice) Do I care? Not at all - because I am paid in something more than just money, Anonymous. I am paid in the good will of readers just like you. So thank you. My dedication is to you kind sir, or madam.....and to the power to "right click" and "save as". That said - I do try to give credit to photographers when possible. But alas, the InterWeb has become a vast and wild sea of imagery, and I am but a wayward rubber ducky floating upon it who bumps into said photos and collects them. Often - it's impossible to know their site of true origin, but I love and share them nonetheless. And when I do know from whence they have come, will continue to give credit where credit is due.

And having said all that, here are some photos that damn near bankrupted me, so I hope you enjoy them! Firstly, today is a huge day of unveiling! You may think I'm referring to the revealing of the 2012 Tour de France route that occured today in Paris, but no - I'm speaking of Justin Bieber releasing his new Christmas single titled "Mistletoe" today! Can you believe it? Christmas is only 9 short weeks away? How dare he make us wait so long.

I want to Belieb I didn't pay anything for this photo.

But what about all that Tour de France nonsense? Yeah - that happened today as well. The ASO busted out the red carpet and the cycling elite were all in attendance and absolutely riveted by the presentation.

Spaniards Sammy Sanchez and Bertie were busy fingerbanging themselves in the mouth while some other shleprock studied the insides of his eyelids (link).

Meanwhile, no one in the second row could hear a god-damned thing because of some irritating nibbling sound that was echoing throughout the hall.

The entire front row finally got up and moved after Tommy Voekler spit his chewed off thumbnail on to the back of Thor Hushovd's neck. Cavendouche tried to throw a rainbow-flavored stink-eye his way, but Voekler just thought he was practicing how to look more French in honor of the occasion and never noticed. And some poor dude in the third row tickled his own frontal cortex with his index finger digging for a maillot nugget. (link).

Norwegian cyclist Edvald Boasson Hagen (aka Eddie Bo-Hog) couldn't attend the festivities in Paris as he was busy in Norway throwing axes, building Legos and "hitting the nail"?

I'm really not sure if "hitting the nail" is some kind of Norwegian euphemism, but thankfully the article spared us from any such visualization of Eddie playing Legos or "hitting his nail" and just showed him chucking a rather menacing axe.

Those Norwegians know how to kick up their heels.

And in case anyone is keeping track, the cost of using the photos to generate this post was $413.23 which is surprisingly less than what I budgeted for because Bieber's people actually paid me to show that photo. Don't say I never did anything for you, Anonymous!

Friday Mail - All Bubba's Eve

2011-10-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

First order of business today....I think someone just asked me out! In an unexpected turn of events, when I logged on to Facebook this morning, I noticed I had message! Apparently someone named Brent Hugh with the Missouri Bicycle Federation has invited me to do an organized ride with him this weekend!

It's called the Fall Harvest & Pumpkin Ride.

Mr. Hugh, thank you so much for the invitation to join you. I haven't been asked out on a date in a long time - so honestly, I have to admit to being a little flattered. However, I'm kind of seeing someone now, so could not possibly show up to this ride with you. I hope you understand. It really does sound like a lot of fun despite the fact that I don't harvest anything and wouldn't even know how to go about riding a pumpkin. But still - I'm guessing many of my readers may be interested - and they should check it out!

Second order of business today.....The Bubba Cross Cyclocross series begins tomorrow night in Queeny Park, St. Louis. If you are more Kansas-ly inclined, you can do the Joules Cross in Lawrence which also starts tomorrow.

Ok enough of all that - let's get to the mail!

Dear PooBah-
What do you think the most prestigious single-day bicycle race is? Paris-Roubaix? Liege-Bastogne-Liege? Milan-San Remo?
Thanks
Greg K
Lexington, KY
Greg-

Not even close. It's got to be the Cobble Wobble race in Frome, England.

King of the Cobbles 2011 from Charge Bikes on Vimeo.

Dear PooBah,

Remember the old "what's grosser than gross" jokes we used to tell each other on the playground back in the day? Like trying to commit suicide by jumping out of a 12 story building only to catch your nostril on a rusty nail on the way down? I love that stuff. Anyway - I thought I would share with you a grosser than gross nose-related cycling photo taken at the Superprestige Ruddervoorde cross race.

Thanks!

Linda T.

Linda-

That's weak. Try Laurens Ten Dam after his face-plant at the 2011 Tour de France.

Dear PooBah,

On Wednesday, you were bitching about your size and using it as an excuse as to why you suck so bad in cyclocross. Well just for clarification, professional cyclocross racer Ryan Trebon is not 6'1" like you reported....the dude is 6'8" as reported here. There is no way you are taller than he is - so suck it up!

Alex C.

Alex-

Thanks for your kind words of support. After learning how tall he is, I'm encouraged to give cross another go.....well that and the bike I bought through Craigslist from a dude in Ashland which should help my cornering ability significantly.

Dear PooBah,

As Halloween is approaching rapidly, I anticipate the number of cyclists donning costumes for cyclocross races to increase exponentially. The fans love this, but my concern lies with the ability of racers to get through the courses safely with occasionally cumbersome Halloween outfits. My question is - have you ever seen a costume-related injury during a cross race, and how bad was it?

Thank you

Paul M.

Paul-

I sure have. It happened at Spooky Cross last year. A Masters 40+ Cat 4 cross-dresser took an 18" barrier to the face when he tripped on his own fishnets. It took two Oompa-Loompas and a couple of Easter bunnies to help get the guy to the ambulance.

Dear PooBah,

The video of the antelope attacking the cyclist that made worldwide headlines this week really freaked me out! I too race in South Africa and see antelope frequently when I'm training in the bush. Such interactions between these animals and cyclists are not as uncommon as one might think. Is there anything I could wear that might help to scare them away? I don't want to suffer the same fate as the MTB racer featured in the YouTube video this week.

Thanks

Roberta J.

Roberta-

You've got to make yourself look more like a natural predator to the antelope. I'm putting one these outfits in the mail to you - wear it at all times!

Dear PooBah,

I heard you like to rollerblade in the off season to cross train and even race now and then. I got a tip that you were in a race this past weekend as a matter of fact. I managed to get a photograph of the sprint finish. Will you give me a hint which one you are?

George P.

George-

Damn, I'm busted. Well all I can say is that I've got a weakness green lycra.

Dear PooBah-

I bought a unicycle several months ago but just cannot seem to learn to ride the damn thing. The guy that sold it to me threw in free weekly riding lessons at his place, which I attend regularly. He said that for whatever reason, wearing red makes it easier to ride - but for the life of me, I cannot figure out why this would be the case. Is there any credence to this?

Thank you

Jenny T.

Jenny-

Yeah - I think he's on to something. Persistence will pay off! Keep at it and keep me posted...

Have a great weekend everyone - thanks for the letters!

The physics of being Big Foot

2011-10-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was emailed no less than 10 times the story of the dude in South Africa who got creamed by the galloping antelope during a mountain bike race - and if you are one of the individuals who sent me the link, thank you. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go see it here. Sorry - couldn't resist. No seriously - you can see it here. And quite literally - as I wrote the last sentence, I just got an email from my father that reads,

From: Dad PooBah
To: Baby PooBah
Cc: Mom PooBah
Subject: When Animals Say "Get Offa My Grass!"

Son,
Careful where you do some of those Cyclocross race things....
Dad

To which I need to respond, "Thanks, Dad." If only flying antelopes were my only concern during a cyclocross race, I might actually stand a chance of performing half-way decently. No, the bane of my cyclocross existence comes in many other forms, but mostly inertia. You see, I possess something called mass. "Sure," you might say, "we all possess mass!" And to this I would reply, "No - you dont get it. I have a lot of it." Dictionary.com defines mass as "a body of coherent matter, usually of indefinite shape and often of considerable size: example - a mass of dough." An ill-defined, large mass of dough indeed. And much like the aforementioned antelope, once I get my poorly defined, immense doughy mass up and moving in a specific direction, I seem to have great difficulty decelerating and altering its direction - especially when that direction is 180 degrees from whence the doughy mass originated. This difficulty I'm experiencing is due to inertia which can be defined as "the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest."

These terms can be understood better by this formula:

F = ma

In this equation, F = force, m = mass (in my case, dough-like and considerable) and a = acceleration. By this formula, it is clear that the greater an object's mass, the less acceleration (or deceleration) is possible under a given force. Let's look at this concept using a real-life example: If you are, say, 5'4" and weigh 135 lbs and are racing cyclocross, for a given force, you will be able to decelerate more rapidly and make a 180 hairpin turn easier than if you are, say, Sasquatch.

By the way - this isn't any ordinary Sasquatch in the example - this is an old Sasquatch with achy knees. (Incidentally - in case you'd like to purchase the official 'Sasquatch on bicycle t-shirt'.....go here.....they are all the rage.)

They even come in sizes up to 3XL....that's what I'm talking about.

Such mass also makes manuevers like this completely out of the question.

photo courtesy of 20#skull.

And don't give me that shit that Ryan Trebon is 6'1". The SOB weighs like 170 pounds soaking wet. He's a fart in a wind storm compared to me.

Here's a stone-cold dose of reality that hit me as hard as the sudden cold rain did while doing intervals on the KT trail Monday night in the pitch blackness because I didn't get home from work until 6:30 when the sun was sinking low and the clouds were building up. As I cruised down the trail, rain smeared down my headlight casting weird shadows on the trail. But up ahead, in the distance, I saw something dangling from one of the overhanging trees. It's quarter-sized, lumpy shape became increasingly illuminated by my light as I approached and I realized it was a fat-ass spider dangling from a web, and I was approaching it a very rapid pace. No worries, I thought, I will slide right under him. The instant his plump hairy body smacked me in the cheek, it all became clear: For years, I've watched and admired cyclists....their small-framed, lithe forms dancing on pedals and whipping tightly around corners fast as a lifeguard spins a whistle tied to a length of string wrapped around his finger. And all this time, in my head, I've felt just like them.....quick and small......small enough to slide under that juicy spider....small enough to try to conserve energy hiding in a pack of cyclists....small enough to be fast. Cyclocross has reminded me of just what a Sasquatch I really am. And despite flat tires, and busting through barrier tape and inertial drag, God-dammit, I'm digging it.

Friday mail: Win yourself a kick in the ass!

2011-10-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! Happy flipping Friday! Let me ask you something. Have you ever walked up to somebody on the street and said, "Hey mister, would you mind kicking me right square in the ass? I probably need it - and it sure would make you feel good!" That's kind of how I felt when I read about the new offer from Rapha for some special-issue Team Rapha-FOCUS Cyclocross Oakley Jawbone sunglasses:

Here's the skinny: And I quote from the website....

Oakley Auction

With the new cyclocross season well underway, Rapha and Oakley are offering you the chance to own an exclusive pair of Oakley Jawbone glasses. The custom-made Jawbones have frames painted in the candystripe livery of the Rapha-FOCUS team kit and the glasses come with three sets of interchangeable lenses. The Rapha logo is etched into the primary set and a unique carry-bag also features the team colours. For five days, beginning on Monday 10th October, Rapha will auctioning two pairs of Rapha-FOCUS Oakley Jawbones via a private email bid system. All of the money raised by the auction will go directly to support the Rapha-FOCUS professional cyclocross team.

Oh please, Rapha - can I compete with other people that have more money than common sense to fight for the chance to spend way too much on a piece of flipping plastic so that your professional cyclocross racers can afford extra foam on their capuccinos while they race this winter? PLEASE? It's not like Jeremy Powers ever wins or anything - so he could really use the extra money. This is so much better than donating it to a non-for profit charitable organization or anything like that. Suck-it, Rapha.

And on that note - let's hit the mailbag:

Dear PooBah,
Did you see this story in VeloNews about the Master's Track Racer Roger Hernandez who was suspended for two years after having refused to undergo a mandatory drug test?

Here's his picture competing at a recent race...

(This is no shit, either.)

One commenters to the original article responded by saying, "A forty-five year old Masters cyclist doping is akin to someone taking growth hormones to become the world's tallest midget." Would you agree?

Thanks!

Peter J.

Orlando, FL

Peter-

Well, that's a pretty insensitive comment, honestly. I think they like to be referred to as "little people" these days - not "midgets."

Dear PooBah,

Check out this photo of cyclist Carter Crowe of Ritte cycling winning a Cat 4/5 race and busting a Captain Morgan pose as he crosses the finish line! Is this daring or douchey? I can't decide...

Henry J.

San Diego, CA

Henry-

Hmmmmm tough one. I'd like to say "daring" since it looks like he is at least 6'6" and is on some very wet pavement there. But then you have to realize that he certainly had to practice this little move...probably a lot considering he is a Cat 4/5. I call "douchey."

Dear PooBah,

I've been very disturbed by the overtly sexual advertisements in Bicycling magazine lately. I'm a mother of two and I don't need to be opening up my cycling periodicals to see things like this:

I wish things more like back in the old days were when we didn't have to worry about sexual innuendo in cycling advertising...

Yours

Willamena F.

Willamena-

Well it's good to hear your children were immaculately conceived. The new Messiah will enjoy having a sibling, I'm sure. And not so fast - check out this ad from 1973 for Raleigh Carlton bicycles...

"Sparkling foam arcs skyward as trim, thrusting bows slice through water...."

I'm not sure what is more inexplicable here - the text or the pairing of sky blue shoes and brown hip hugging bell-bottoms on the dude on the left.

Dear PooBah,

I'm so happy cross season is here....I'm so fired up that I actually got a cross-related tattoo on my right calf. It's a portrait of me portaging my bike. What do you think?

Ivan K.

Ivan-

I appreciate your dedication but the perspective is all off! From how it's drawn it looks like you're trying to run your bike up your own ass. If that's an actual depiction of how you do run-ups, just go slow and use lots of chamois cream before you race.

Dear PooBah,

I just recently bought a trainer anticipating cold weather which is just around the corner. I set my road bike up on it - but having never used a trainer before, was hoping you could take a peek and let me know if my form was OK? Thanks a million!

Yours,

Lisle G.

Berlin

Lisle-

You know - I was about to suggest you lose the stilettos, but on second thought...leave them on - I think your form is spot on!

Have a great weekend, everyone. Thanks to those that sent in letters and suggestions - I appreciate it!

Cyclocross Pop Quiz

2011-10-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ah, dear readers, the weather we are experiencing here in Mid-Missouri is nothing short of miraculous, n'est pas? (That's French-speak for "can I get an Amen?") An Indian summer to revel in to be sure. And of course, this means lots of trail and gravel rides to continue to condition for cyclocross season. For me, this training means learning how to suffer intensely for short periods of time and either involves doing intervals if I'm on the bike, or watching this if I'm sitting in my office.

I'm hoping he will come out with a 40 minute version of this. Suffering through that would make the next cross race seem like a cruise through the park.

As a cyclocross newb - I have felt the necessity of doing some much-needed research on the topic of cyclocross history to elevate my overall appreciation of the sport. Subsequently, I've wondered if some of you might not be interested in my findings. Of course, many of you will already be familiar with this information, to which I say, ignore this post and focus your attention here instead if you are of the male persuasion and here if you are of the female persuasion. (That is, if you are of the heterosexual variety of each persuasion. If you are persuaded to do the opposite, follow your instincts accordingly.) But instead of just blathering off a bunch of facts and dates, I thought I would present the information in pop-quiz format so that you might test your own working cyclocross knowledge. Let's get it on:

#1) This question has three parts: Who is this? How tall was he? What is his significance in the world of cyclocross?

a) Pierre Floutard; 5'7", In 1957 he lost a testicle in a freak accident while remounting his steel Raleigh during the first Cyclocross World Championships. It was found 3 days later but all attempts to surgically reattach it were unsuccessful.

b) Jean Robic; 5', Winner of the first UCI cyclocross championship in 1950

c) Rudy Project; 5'3", Founder of the famous cycling eyewear company and inventor of the male version of the cat-eye glasses popularized by women in the 50's

d) Dominic Gaston; 5'11", Infamous cross racer who suffered from nyctolopia, he died during Belgian's first night race when he crashed into a bratwurst vendor.

#2) What is cyclist Danny De Bie credited for in cyclocross racing?

a) In 1988 during a race in Leipzig, instead of jumping over an 18" barrier, he decided to tunnel under it. Even though he lost the race, he was awarded the course-gardener's shovel for ingenuity.

b) To date, he is the only racer to have ever gotten lost during a race. During his 1987 bid for World Champion in Lucerne, he never completed a single lap during the 60 minute race and had to be escorted from a muddy ditch by course marshals.

c) He is credited for popularizing the "bunnyhop" maneuver to go over barriers which he used while winning the 1989 World Championship.

d) Nicknamed "Bye-Bye De Bie", Danny famously quit the Dutch National Championship race in 1988 after only 5 minutes of racing when he threw his bicycle off the course and exclaimed, "Niet meer fucking koebels!" (translastion: "No more fucking cowbells!")

#3) Identify this individual:

a) Hanka Kupfernagel; The woman with the most medals in cyclocross ever with a total of 10, 4 of which have been World Championships.

b) Greta Klink; Designer of the first knee-high stiletto cycling boot which was later disallowed by the UCI when racer Heidi Potente perforated a component's spleen when she stepped on the fallen cyclist while hurdling a barrier.

c) Hans Guber; After his sex change in 2003, he/she became the first racer to win a national championship in both the male and female fields.

d) Elsie Schmittsohn; Watched a cyclocross race once on TV in 2008.

#4) Who is this and what important achievement is he credited with?

a) Federico Capitano; Italian cyclocross racer who attempted to file a patent for a style of moustache which he called, "Il manubrio". He was unsuccessful in this bid as it had been patented the previous year by one Otto Schlitz of Hamburg. However, he later designed and patented the moustache "comb-over", for those who can only successfully grow hair on one side of their lip, giving tens of thousands of men with semi-bald lips greater senses of confidence.

b) Gustav Mendlebaum; designer of the cycling cable-knit turtle neck sweater and later co-founder of J. Crew.

c) Peter Mathews; the only British cyclist to have had his dentition considered to be "not horrendous" by a panel of orthodontists.

d) Octave Lapize; winner of the 2010 Tour de France who credited his victory to off-season riding through fields, believed by many to be the inspiration for present day cyclocross.

#5) What other profession is cyclocross racer Katerina Nash known for?

a) Editor in chief of "Modest Cycling Magazine"

b) Olympic cross country skier

c) Taste-tester for Luna Bars

d) Owner of 3 Hooter's restaurants outside of Salt Lake City, Utah

#6) Bonus question: What was professional cross racer Zdenek Stybar's claim to fame in 2006 at the Netherland National Cyclocross Championships in Zeddam?

a) He had an allergic reaction to some oysters he ate the night before the race in his hotel causing his face to break out in a flurry of pustules...

b) After one week of solid rain preceeding the race, the entire course turned to mud, which prompted him to become the only cyclist in the history of the sport to attempt portaging his bicycle and running for the entire race. He lost his shoe on lap 3, however and had to abandon.

c) After heavy fog had been predicted for race day, he feared the same fate as Danny De Bie in getting lost out on the course and shaved the race map into the side of his head the night before for quick reference, only later realizing he would not actually be able to see the map without the help of a mirror.

d) He won the cyclocross U23 National Championships in 2006.

You may submit your answers to me and I will grade them.

Protests: Incomprehensible and Ironic

2011-10-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Last evening, the COMO CYCO GEEC and I went out to dinner - a rare occurence for us.   However, I just got back into town after a long business trip and was feeling rather amorous, so wanted to woo me lady a bit. As she slid into the passenger seat of my car for our evening out, she discovered a browned apple core, a greasy towel and a pair of Candy Crank pedals in the footwell. For those 'non-playas' out there, these are the kinds of things you can leave conveniently setting around as little attractive windows into your persona.  For example, by these objects, she could deduce that I
eat healthily, am capable of working on my bike and am concerned about mud-clearance, thus enticing her with my commitments to a good diet, resourcefulness and quick entry (into my pedals).  Pure pheromonal man-musk.

Anyway - I really wanted to treat her to a special meal so told her to pick whatever restaurant she wanted. She suggested the Cherry Street Wine Cellar, Bleu (pronounced "Bluhhhhh") or Sycamore's. I suggested something with a bit more rustic ambience and we settled on Pickleman's. I know how to treat my lady right. On the way to dinner, our peaceful drive downtown was suddenly interrupted, however, by a tremendous uproar (by which I mean a few people speaking loudly) on the corner of 8th and Broadway.  We looked over to see some kind of a protest going on. I know it was a protest because there were people sitting on the sidewalk holding signs made of cardboard. But upon our initial drive by, I simply could not tell what was being protested and was confused by the presence of a hipster kid in skinny jeans with externally flaunted house keys dangling from a carabiner photographing a poster with the picture of a cat on it under a sign that read "Students Say NO."

Posting a picture I took while driving a car by a hipster taking a picture of a cat poster: I've achieved the surreal.

"Good lord," I said to the GEEC, "I think the college kids are protesting cats." Now, I'm definitely much more of a dog person, but still - what have cats done that is worth protesting? Unless they are in revolt of litter boxes and are shitting willy-nilly around COMO which would explain the worsening stench along the westward stretch of the MKT. (I still contend there is nothing as stinky on this planet as a cat turd). Anyway - we decided to do another drive-by to examine the group more closely...but only after we had our Pickleman's chicken and bacon pizza. We have our priorities in line, after all. So upon further inspection, with fuller bellies, we learned that we still had absolutely no idea what was being protested.

I could make out "People Before Profit", "This is your Country Too" and "The Best Congress Money Can Buy!" Honestly, I'm baffled.

Listen, I didn't major in advertising or marketing, but can I just give some advice to protesters? You have to make your message clear. Use short phrases and print the text much, much larger on non-day-glo posterboard. It's all about contrasting colors - OK? Use the "KISS" principle and "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" Black lettering on white cardboard using as few words as possible, written largely is the key. It was just as I was thinking this that we saw the sign of one protester who clearly had some experience and was doing it correctly.

Readable sign? Check. Clear intent to the message? Check! As nonsensical as the rest of the protest? HUGE check! Now this was something I could both understand and even relate with because I like turtles too! It's amazing how affectionate they can be.

And speaking of protestable things - a reader has sent me a link to a trailer for a cycling-related movie that is about to come out and I thought I should share it with you. It's called Premium Rush and stars that kid that used to push Pop Tarts in the 90's.

Here's the description that accompanies the official trailer:

Dodging speeding cars, crazed cabbies, open doors, and eight million cranky pedestrians is all in a day's work for Wilee (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the best of New York's agile and aggressive bicycle messengers. It takes a special breed to ride the fixie -- super lightweight, single-gear bikes with no brakes and riders who are equal part skilled cyclists and suicidal nutcases who risk becoming a smear on the pavement every time they head into traffic.

But a guy who's used to putting his life on the line is about to get more than even he is used to when a routine delivery turns into a life or death chase through the streets of Manhattan. When Wilee picks up his last envelope of the day on a premium rush run, he discovers this package is different. This time, someone is actually trying to kill him.

Having watched the trailer and read the description of the movie, it's the last line that puzzles me. "This time, someone is actually trying to kill him." I obviously haven't seen the movie, but would contend that viritually everyone in Manhattan (at least everyone driving a cab or trying to walk to work) is trying to kill Wilee for riding like a complete jackass. Hell - I'd like to take a crack at him myself. Furthermore, I would submit that one of the reasons the cabbies are so crazed and pedestrians so cranky is because douchebags like PopTart boy are racing around, blowing through stoplights and mowing people down on their brakeless fixies ("Fixed gear......no brakes....can't stop....don't want to, either.") And because I haven't seen the movie, I also have no way of knowing that 1) Wilee will not, in fact, be killed, 2) Wilee will get laid by that cute female messenger who takes off the side view mirror of a cab with a chain because she too rides like a jackass 3) a non-main-character-bike-messenger-dude will take the big dirt nap to reinforce the gravitas of the bike messenger profession, but whose death will give Wilee greater resolve, and finally that 4) Wilee will incur bodily injury and break a bone - but not in his pretty face.

But this begs the question of whom the target audience for this movie is, exactly? According to this article published last week in the NY Times, the number of bike messengers in New York is down from several thousand 10 years ago to only 700 today.

As one could have predicted about the time the movie Quicksilver was released, the way of the bike messenger was doomed with the advent of email and something called the PDF document. A bike messenger consultant for the movie Premium Rush (someone named "Mr. Horse") raced a Mercedes across NY City recently and won, but I'd like to see him race the Interwebs for a change.

That said, the harshest critics of the movie will likely be real messengers anyway - so that just leaves fixie-riding hipsters as potential fanboys (and girls) of the movie - individuals emulating what they believe the image of the messenger to be - whatever that is. And judging by the number I've seen on this campus this fall, blowing through intersections and pissing off both motorists and me as I stupidly sit and wait my turn at the stopsign on my commuter, I'd say their numbers are blossoming. This too is confirmed by the aforementioned article which suggests that...

...there is a paradox at work here: just as corporate brands and Hollywood try to harness the increasing visibility of urban cycling through its most recognizable character, the grease-grizzled New York City messenger, that subculture is dwindling in the face of higher-tech competition.

So if email is killing the bike-messenger, then what we need is some sort of competing movement to capture the attention of some of the future messenger-wannabe hipster fixie riders....or maybe even hold an organized anti-hipster protest.....I believe they are called Cyclocross races. I plan on going to the next one clean shaven and wearing bell-bottom jeans carrying a day-glo poster board with tiny letters written on it in ball-point pen saying: "I like zombies-kids." Absolutely no one will get it will be so ironical. Wait a minute.....shit, that won't work either!

Hierarchy of cycling in Columbia - where do you fit in?

2011-09-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago the Daily Tribune's cycling correspondant, Robert "The Spokesman" Johnson wrote an article regarding the legality of riding a bicycle on the Interstate in our great state of Missouri:

In the article, the Spokesman does a bit of mythbusting and informs us that in actuality, it is entirely legal to ride a bicycle on Missouri highways. This was a great relief to me since I do like to frequent the Interstate on my velocipede, as I just don't tend to get as much excitement riding on the trail and crave that "Frogger" experience. But, in truth, there are times and places when one must briefly ride along the shoulder and it is helpful to know that the Po-Po aren't going to taze me while doing so. Surprising to none, this article, like every single article ever written by Mr. Johnson, was pounced upon by the bicycle-hating throng of COMO citizens in the comment section.

"My kids grew up in an era where they were taught good, sensible manners on how and where to use their bicycles. They most certainly didn't ride them in traffic or on downtown sidewalks.... There were plenty of places to ride bikes - like to school and back and probably stopping at wherever they had an after school job which they also learned what the phrase "work ethic" meant."

Hey - I think I remember that era when bicycles weren't ridden in traffic.....I believe it was the late 19th century, as long as you don't consider the long lines of oxen-pulled wagons backed up on Stadium as 'traffic'. That said, I too am infuriated by those cyclists that both ride on sidewalks and have no work ethic. I think they are called "undergrads". Anyway, one individual decided to fire back at "1crossfire's" comments with some of their own thoughts.

In contradiction to "1crossfire's" cycling generalities, reader "bethatasitmay" breaks down COMO cyclists into 7 basic categories:

1. Children who may or may not know proper cycling technique depending on what they've been taught....we may consider them the tabula rasa of the COMO cycling world.

2. Homeless people or people with suspended driver's licences....ie people who have to suffer the cruel indignity of getting somewhere by bicycle because they have no choice.

3. "College students who just started riding a bike at college for the first time since they were 10" (and still are wearing the same jeans they were wearing when they were 10....I think they call them "hipsters.")

4. Serious bike commuters concerned about fitness and the environment (Liberals)

5. Trail only riders (Conservatives)

6. Serious competitive bicyclsts who are training for the Apple Cup race.....(even through it was last held in the year 2000 or something. You can never be sure when it might return - and serious competitive cyclists will be ready....)

7. Touring bicyclists from out of town who have "ridden with their baggage from all parts of the country." which kind of makes COMO sound like the Field of Dreams of cycling.

Really - what "bethatasitmay" has done in her response is to inadvertently fashion a hierarchichal tiering system of COMO cyclists which is pretty perceptive. I've taken the liberty of restating this in graphical form (click to enlargen).

Whereas the lowest form of COMO cycling is practiced by children, drunks and hipsters, one may climb the evolutionary cycling tree toward the ultimate goal of cyclist enlightenment through baggage toting tourism requiring rides through town ONLY to find lodging. I'm sure this will make the burgeoning randonneuring population incredibly proud.

However, this begs the question of where in the hell this guy fits in?

He's got baggage, but could definitely teach a hipster how to grow some facial hair...and his co-pilot is most certainly smarter than the average dumb kid. I'm stumped.

Oh yeah - and I almost forgot. I have to go away on business - so that's all for this week. See you next week, kids!

Cavendish, earning his stripes, and his new nickname.

2011-09-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to give credit where credit is due, no matter how long the forthcoming year is going to be watching (and listening to) Mark Cavendish, the boy racer from the Isle of Man, who will now wear the rainbow stripes after winning the world championships yesterday.

And certainly an equal amount of credit must go to the entire Team Britian squad who made it their mission to win this World Championship years ago when they saw the layout would favor the sprinters. And the sprinters, they did come: Hushovd, Boasson Hagen, Farrar, Cancellara, Greipel, Goss.....none could best Cavs, even when it looked like he was boxed in. Defending champion Thor could do nothing as he got tangled up behind a crash and never even got to fight for the sprint finish, but rather was left to cry a single solitary rainbow tear over his Oakley Jawbones.

And speaking of Team Britian, the boys really turned themselves inside out for Cavs. However today, the day after a very long night of celebration to be sure....it seems that Team Britain is seeing their insides turned out once again, according to Twitter..

And speaking of Twitter, back on July 4th, after Tyler Farrar took the sprint stage victory in the Tour de France, Bob Roll made the statement that "Sprinters are the honey badgers of the peloton" on his own Twitter feed.....an obvious nod to the fierceness and tenacity of the animal, but also perhaps to the original "Badger", Bernard Hinault:

As there can only be one "Badger" and Hinault will forever embody this moniker, I think Roll may have unintentionally stumbled upon something else regarding the interlacing of personas, more specifically of the fearless sub-species of Honey Badger and sprinters - and even more specifically our new World Champion sprinter, Mark Cavendish. Other nicknames just haven't stuck for Cavendish....'Cavs', "Boy Racer', 'The Manx Missile,'....even our own attempt with 'Cavendouche.' Such names have fallen from him like water droplets rolling off freshly shaven legs slathered with embrocation on a cold misty morning. But "Honey Badger"? Yeah - I'm feeling it....

"Honey Badger is pretty bad ass...." and so are you Cavs....congrats.

Friday Mail: Be careful what you wish for!

2011-09-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

Man, what a week. I love this time of year. Not for the cooler weather and pleasurable cycling, or the start of cyclocross season, or the longer gravel rides that meander through the colorful mid-Missouri backwoods.....but for new seasons of TV shows! And this year reality TV has taken massive leaps forward. Is anyone else watching Hillbilly Hand Fishin'?

How about Whisker Wars?

With entertainment options like this, it's going to be hard for me to peel myself away from the tube to actually spend any time on the bike this fall....Dammit I hate having to make tough choices.

Anyway - I won't belabor you with the struggles I deal with on a daily basis....instead - let's jump into the mailbag.

Dear PooBah,

I'm the CleanBottle mascot that you may have seen gracing the side of the road at the recent Amgen Tour of California. I'm writing to you because I'm having some self-confidence issues. As far as mascots go, I don't think people perceive a bottle as that happy or fun. I mean - who wants to dance or get crazy with a stupid bottle - right?

Thanks for listening -

The CleanBottle

CB-

Don't get down on yourself, man! It's not all that bad being you! After all - you do get to take off both your top and bottom occasionally - right? That must be fun. And remember, sometimes mascots can be a little TOO happy...Take the Amarillo GoldSox for example...

And look at the bright side....as WADA continues its war on doping in the peloton - you could have ended up being this.

Dear PooBah,

I was cruising around the internet the other day and found this awesome collection of cycling-related Lego-block sets over at copenhagnize.com! This only makes sense since Denmark is the home to both Lego and one of richest cycling cultures in the world. I want to purchase one of these for my kid but don't know which one to get first. Any suggestions?

Thanks!

Dieter F.

Well, if it were me - I'd probably go for the Lego Team Telekom-era Jan Ulrich set....

Or the "sustainable warfare" set featuring a hot Lego babe riding a bicycle while toting a Kalishnikov.

Dear PooBah,

Are you familiar with the term "photobombing?" Essentially it means to jump into a photograph that is being taken of something or someone else at the last minute to inentionally sabotage it. Well, check out this photo I found of Floyd Landis photobombing a Livestrong billboard in Times Square. This is priceless!

Kyle B.

Kyle,

Yeah - that's pretty good....but still not as impressive as this picture of Kate Beckinsale getting GingerBombed....

Nobody saw that one coming.....

Or how about this Verne Troyer MiniBomb....

Dear PooBah,

I'm on my way to my 50th Star Trek convention in Orlando and am so excited. This is a huge milestone for me and the organizers are actually going to reward me for my dedication with a special certificate presented by the guy who did sound engineering for 3 episodes of the show. I'm so excited! As an avid cyclist - I'm going to be riding my special Enterprise bicycle all the way there! What do you think?

Philip T.

Philip,

That is exciting indeed! Just make sure you don't forget your special Star Trek issued cycling shorts...

Dear PooBah,

I've heard rumor that Columbia is going to get its very own cyclocross race soon! Do you know anything about it? Will it have a theme? If so - I'd like to suggest one: BIKINICROSS!

Thanks!

Carl G.

Carl-

Be careful what you wish for...

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Gateway Cross Cup in St. Louis tonight

2011-09-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Today, some rather "big fish" of cyclocross racing are coming to our "little pond" of a state in the form of the Gateway Cross Cup in St. Louis - more specifically Herman Park in University City. This race follows last weeks' professional opener, CrossVegas, as part of the "Cross after Dark" series of UCI races here in the states. The elite men’s race begins at 9:00 PM and will be featuring current US national Champ Todd Wells, former national champs, Tim Johnson, Jonathan Page and Ryan Trebon in addition to last year’s North American Cyclocross Trophy series champ Jeremy Powers.

Making the pond even more impressive are the Europeans who will also be mixing it up including Swiss national champ Christian Heule, Belgian U23 champ Ben Berden and Zoltan Tisza. But making it more interesting for us here in COMO is that a couple of hometown boys: Missouri State Champion Josh Johnson and Hermann Cross winner Jon Schottler will also be throwing down in the UCI men's elite field.

The women’s elite race will see an equal display of international and national talent through the entries of US national champion Meredith Miller and her teammate, college national cyclocross champion Teal Stestson-Lee and Belgian champion Joyce Vanderbeken.

The women's race begins at 7:30 PM. All details can be found here: www.gatewaycrosscup.com.

Herman Cross wrap-up: From the bottom up.

2011-09-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday afternoon, I popped my proverbial cherry in the wonderful world of cyclocross in the town of Hermann, MO. Before I launch in on that epic tale of Cat 4 wonderment, I need to describe the fact-finding mission I went on the week before the race as I consulted with a number of friends on different strategies. I considered this background research - data collection if you will, from those more experienced; each of whom gave me pearls of wisdom.

Friend #1:
"What are your expectations for Saturday?" he asked.
I answered, "1) To not severely injure myself. 2) To not severely injure anyone else. 3) To not severely injure my bike 4) To not finish last.
"You really know how to shoot for the stars, don't you?" he replied. "If you don't really care about winning - then here's what you do. Start at the back and let all the insanity unfold ahead of you and then start picking people off. It's more fun to pass people than get passed which is what's going to happen if you start at the front. Oh yeah - and have fun."

Friend #2:
"How do I ride through sand?" I asked.
"Pedal hard through it, and if you eat shit, keep your shifters out of it or else they're fucked," he answered.

Friend #3:
"Any advice?" I asked.
"Start at the front and if you need to puke during the race - go right ahead. Remember - you are getting old and you kind of suck, so you've got that going for you," he replied.

So, as I lined up for my race, I positioned myself about midfield. The reason? I have no clue. Friend #3 told me I should be on the front - but it didn't feel like I deserved to be on the front, and yet I really thought I was better than sitting on the very back like Friend #1 told me to do - so I compromised with them, like they were a little angel and little devil sitting on each of my shoulders.

Just about that time, a race offical approached us, the assembled horde of Cat 4s . In the front row were 2 or maybe 3 young kids who were clearly juniors. The official smiled at each of them and told them how good it was to see them there and then proceeded to go over the rules, making special notation of where the first-aid station was located. He repeated its location three times, which I took as indication that he has seen his fair share of Cat 4 cyclocross races. I glanced apprehensively over to the guy on my left who was wearing a crash helmet with a sticker on it that said "Lick me", and then over to the guy on my right whose bike had porteur handlebars on it as I wondered what in the hell I was doing there. After the official finished, another guy standing close to me dressed in full team kit and whom shall henceforth be referred to as the 'douche-packer,' yells to him.

"Are you going to do a call-up?"
"No," the official responds.
"Why not?!!" theDP answered, clearly irritated.
"We are only doing that for the 1/2/3 races," the offical replied, very politely.
"Well, why are the juniors in the front?" asks the DP.
"I guess because they got here sooner than you did," answered the official.
"You think that's a good idea?" the DP asks.
The official takes a deep breath and then releases it in exasperated fashion. He looks right at the DP and then says in a very tired voice. "Listen everyone, there are juniors in the front. Keep an eye out."
"This is bullshit," the DP mutters under his breath.

I was suddenly distracted away from the silent conversation that had been continuing to run in my head between me, and Friends #1 and #3 over my starting position long enough to turn to the DP and say, "Would you chill the fuck out, please? We are a bunch of Cat 4 sacks of shit - and still will be even if your ass somehow manages to set the course record for the night!" In a perfect world, I would have actually formed these words with my mouth and said them. Instead they remained just a thought inside my brain. But I still dreamt of saying them. In the midst of this day dream, in which I'd become a chiseled, trash-talking, cyclocross-racing bad-ass, relaxed and sitting on my top tube at the pre-race start line, with legs so sculpted they looked like they had been carved from marble, telling tales of cyclocross racing adventures to the juniors huddled around me, I was suddently awakened by the voice of the official who was counting down from 5. And then just as quickly, he had released us and we were off on what would prove to become the longest 40 minutes I had experienced since I tried to sit through the movie Blue Velvet. Oddly enough, my experiences were not so dissimilar from those of Dennis Hopper's character in the film in that, I too, found myself craving an oxgen mask and screaming "Mommy" within about 3 minutes.

But that's where all similarities ended, thankfully. At some point after feeling my digested turkey sandwich start to creep back up my esophagus, I looked down at my watch to see how long I had been out on the torturous course, feeling certainly it had to be close to 35 minutes, only to find the number 15 staring back at me from the stopwatch function. And it occured to me that somehow, someway, cyclocross actually proves Einstein to be correct.....that time is relative and when you are on that damned bike, it can slow to a virtual standstill.

I have no idea where or even how I finished, but eventually I accomplished all 4 of my goals. My friends cheered me on as I dragged my fat ass up those wretched steps and over ridiculously positioned barriers. I kept my shifters out of the sand - but did manage to go blasting right through the barrier adjacent to the pit. I picked off my fair share of riders, and stayed out of the first-aid tent..... however I'm also pretty sure this guy may have kicked my ass.....and deservedly so.

photo courtesy.

All in all, a flipping fantastic time and I can't wait for the next one. And once again, I need to thank all of my friends who coerced me into doing this and then tolerated (and continue to tolerate) my steady barrage of questions and worrying.

Anyway, no one cares what a cyclocross race looks like from the bottom up, as this account describes, so let's see something far more entertaing: the great video made of the Men's 1/2/3 race by Brent Davidson.

Big congrats to COMO racer Jon Schottler of Team Michelob Ultra/Big Shark Racing who took first on Saturday and second on Sunday to win the overall competition. An amazing performance. And also a huge THANKS! and congrats to race organizer Jeff Yielding who not only won the 40+ master's division, but also put on an incredibly well-organized event, even if there was no call-up in the Cat 4 race. Jeff - if you can just sort that one thing out, you might truly have yourself a quality event!

Friday Mail: Putting yourself out there!

2011-09-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

If you are unaware, this past week was Interbike - a massive cycling industry trade show held annually out in Las Vegas. It has grown over the years and become a very important event for the bicycle industry. But Vegas being Vegas, craziness is bound to ensue, as well as moments of odd serendipity, I suppose. I give you this photo posted on twitter by the folks at NYVelocity.

Featuring Levi Leipheimer and Barry Bonds, this photo was captioned by the NYVelocity folks as "This conversation only needed a lemur in it to be crazier. Vegas makes no sense."

Or does it? (Cue dramatic chipmunk).

Whatever. On with Friday mail.

Dear PooBah-
We're so excited about Herman Cross 2011. It's going to be EPIC! First question - are you racing? And second question - are you going to dress up? We heard that some cyclists will come to cross races in costume.

See you there!
Kelly and Jacob M.

K and M-
Answers: Firstly, Yes I'm going....yes I'm paying a fee to line up.....yes I will be wearing a number....and yes I will be attempting to pedal my ass around the course. Does that constitute racing? I don't think so - but I will let you be the judge. Secondly - yes I will be dressing up. I'm going to go with something subtle though - so make sure to keep your eyes peeled - or else you may not even notice me.

Dear PooBah,

I consider myself a pretty crafty person and love tinkering with bicycles in my home shop. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I got to putting some parts together from some various objects I had laying around and ended up coming up with a sweet bicycle. My son has been after me for a new bike - so I really considered this a win-win.....The problem is, he started riding his new home-built bike to school every day - and every day is getting beat up by some bullies there. What gives? Do you think they are just jealous of his new wheels?

I really need some advice -

Thanks!

Simon H.

Simon,

First things first. Get a helmet on that kid! Secondly - you better slap a rubber ball on that unicorn's horn or else little Ricky is going to end up impaling someone and landing your ass in a lawsuit. Thirdly - I know you're proud of your creation, MacGyver, but if you keep making your kid ride that thing to school, he's going to end up getting a tattoo like this when he grows up.

Dear PooBah,

I am majoring in mathematics here at Mizzou and was recently given the task of completing a special group project. We had to come up with an example of a situation demonstrating velocity, calculate the theoretical equations surrounding it and then validate our calculations by measuring the real-life re-creation of the situation. I assumed leadership of the group and designed the experiment myself. I'm writing to you to have you check my math. Here's the situation: A 23-year-old, 180 pound male cyclist travelling 17mph for 25 meters rides off a ramp with a 12 degree slope in an easterly direction. There is a 7mph wind blowing out of the northwest and the relative humidity is 75%. Assuming the cyclist's tire pressure is 40 PSI, and he neither accelerates or decelerates as he rides up the ramp, how far will he travel in air before his tires make contact?

By the way - your answer may or may not be used as part of a legal defense.

Thanks.

Mike T.

Mike-

Considering you are still enrolled as a student here, have you considered English lit as a major? I don't see mathematics in your future.

Dear PooBah,

My brother and I are touring Europe by bicycle! But everywhere we go, I keep getting odd looks from everyone. I'm not sure why as cycling is so much more commonly used as a means of transportation here than back in the states. So certainly, that can't be why folks don't seem to be accepting me. Do you have any ideas?

Thank you!

Timmy L.

Timmy,

Well you could start by taking the helmet off your backpack and putting it on your head. Secondly - perhaps you are being too shy. You really should try going up to people and trying to communicate more. Most everyone in Europe speaks English - so don't be afraid to really put yourself out there - I'm sure they will love it.

Dear PooBah,

I'm new to Columbia and am single. I hate having to admit this - but I'm having problems with the ladies. I love to ride, spend a lot of time out on the trail on my bike and am meeting a ton of women there - but can't get any of them to go out with me. So I've decided to try online dating. I just took this photo of myself as my profile pic. Do you think this will help my chances?

Thanks, bro!

Dean B.

Bro-

No question dude. You're a whisper away from hooking up - I can just sense it. Just remember, women like a man who is confident - so don't be too reserved - really show them what you've got to offer from the outset.

Dear PooBah,

My best friend is trying to learn how to ride a bike. I cannot believe that she doesn't know how to at this age, but I feel bad that she has never known the pleasure of flying down a street on a bicycle! So I'm trying to help her out by teaching her how to ride just like my parents taught me. I stand beside her and grab the rear of her saddle with one hand and then run alongside, gently pushing the bike forward as she pedals, but she still isn't getting it. Could you provide any other techniques that might work to getting her up and going?

Thank you so much - I hate to bother you with such a silly question.

Daisy D.

Daisy-

No bother at all! That's why I'm here after all - right? It sure looks like you are doing everything correctly. Just remember, practice makes perfect. Speaking of which - I hope the street you are practicing on is nice and flat and free of traffic - that is important to make her feel more comfortable. Listen, I'm going to email you the address for COMO CYCO headquarters....the street out front is absolutely IDEAL for this kind of thing and I'm sure it will make all the difference.

Have a great weekend, everyone -

CCPB

Dr. No

2011-09-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

Meet Dr.Tom Coburn, Republican Senator from Oklahoma:

"Why?" you ask. Because he is attempting to stall the extension of the SAFETEA-LU transportation bill unless Congress eliminates funding for the federal Transportation Enhancements (TE) program which makes up only 2% of the federal transportation budget. Why is he so worried about such a miniscule amount of money and what does that mean to you and me if he is successful? If he kills the TE program, then the money guaranteed to help maintain bicycle and walking projects including bike lanes and byways, paths and trails, all disappears. Why does he have such a beef with federal funding for bicycling and walking? Who knows - but his nickname in the Senate has become "Dr. No" for his tendency to vote against bills he views as unconstitutional - and also because both his hands were burned off in a vat of acid and have been since replaced by mechanical prosthetics. Ok - that last part's not exactly true....

The original Dr. No from the similary titled and infamous 1962 James Bond film.

(In case you're wondering what else Coburn has been up to - he tried to block bills honoring Rachel Carson, author of the book Silent Spring, which is credited by many to have initiated the environmental movement calling it "junk science", he opposed legislation creating a wilderness area around Mount Hood aimed at protecting wildlands in Oregon, Washington and Idaho, and he also put a hold on a veteran's benefits bill in 2009.) So what can you do? Here's your chance to play James Bond (or his lovely companion du jour Honey Rider, played by the sumptuous Ursula Andress - but I digress) and shut Dr. No's ass down!

Aw yeah....that's my boy.

"How?" you ask? Spend about 30 seconds and go to this website:

It will prompt you to enter your zip code and then will send automated letters to your congressmen or women on your behalf to encourage them to not let the bill be stalled, thus allowing the TE program to proceed and our walking and cycling infrastructure continue to be paid for by federally mandated funds - since those are our taxes, afterall.

Then - after you do that, reward yourself by watching this. It has nothing to do with Dr. No, or Sean Connery, or even Ursula (unfortunately) but it is pretty kick-ass.....and it features two cycling commentators who make Phil and Paul look like they are both in comas. Make sure to turn your speakers up for full effect. My favorite part is the commentary at the 1:13 minute mark.

Hermann Cross 2011

2011-09-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend is Hermann Cross 2011, and whereas this is not the first cyclocross race of the year, it is arguably one of the most popular cross races of the season - and it's nearly in our very own backyard. In case you are oblivious to the ways of cyclocross - take a little peek at this video (which I chose from literally thousands of possible cyclocross compilation videos on YouTube for two reasons: First, it is accompanied by a song from one of my favorite bands, OkGo!, and secondly, because it was uploaded by someone calling him/herself 'facepubes'. With that combination, the video is sure not to disappoint......that and the flipping amazing dismount/mount at the 1:22 mark.)

With this coming weekend's race in Hermann, I contacted the organizer and proud father of Hermann Cross, Mr. Jeff Yielding, to see if he could answer some questions about the upcoming event.

CCPB: How and when did Hermann Cross first come to be?

JY: In 2008 the idea came from Josh Johnson from Columbia MO, he mentioned to me the idea of a night time race in the Hermann city park. One thing led to another and the race took off from there.

[Josh Johnson - a COMO native, is the current Missouri State Champion in cyclocross and races for BigShark out of St. Louis.]

CCPB: Can you tell us how the race has grown over the years?

JY: The first year was invitation only due to a scheduling conflict with the St Genevieve road race. So as not to take away riders from that race I invited 100 racers to an awesome time in the mud. At the time, this was the first night race in MO.

2009 was more a traditional race open to all. The concept of the night race remained, and live music and food were added. There were about 110 finishers that year. It was truly an awesome experience with everyone having a good time.

In 2010, I expanded the event to a full weekend - so racing both Saturday and Sunday. Things were going along really well to begin with. We had a huge turnout with really big fields, live music rocking from the stairs, awesome sponsors, and just lots going on. Then a huge storm hit as the last race of the night started. That race only lasted 3 laps before it was called due to the intense lightning. Then rain set in and it just kept raining, and raining and raining until eventually the park had a flash flood! It was definitely a low point for the event after such a high all day long. The park and equipment were ruined and all the races on Sunday were cancelled.

But everything before the flood was spot on, and we knew that the extended two-day format could be successful. Despite mother nature having her way, we knew we had something to build on for 2011!

CCPB: Awesome - so what are the big changes for this year's race?

JY: 2011 should be our best year yet as we kick off the MO Cyclocross race season. There is just so much going on: Firstly, we have a brand new web site (hermanncx.com) As for the race, this year we are offering barrier primes, field primes, added categories for masters divisions, an announcer, live music, a leader's jersey awarded for each category, a professional photographer documenting the whole race, team championship awards, awesome prizes, food, free beer tasting and much more. And the weather looks to be awesome for the weekend. This is definitely an event, not just a race.

CCPB: Who are the outstanding men and women we should be keeping an eye out for in this year's race?

JY: Right now the highest ranked pre-registered women rider is Laura Scherff racing for Momentum Racing. A lot of the women racers tend to register on-site, however, so it's hard to say what that field will end up looking like.

The Men's 1/2/3 race is already stacked with quality riders including State Champions and past Hermann CX winners. It will be a battle under the lights Saturday night into Sunday to be sure. Who knows who will walk away the championship?

CCPB: Any advice or words of encouragement for the total cyclocross newb that wants to race?

JY: Bring what you have with no expectations and prepare to have fun. When your race is over sit back the rest of the night, cheer on the other racers and enjoy the event.

CCPB: For those that have never seen a cyclocross race, can you give them the top 8 reasons why they should come to Hermann to witness this in person?

JY: Absolutely!

#1. This could be the strongest field of Cross racers in one race MO has ever seen as we're going to be pulling riders from MO, KS, IA, IL and OK.

#2. The Stairs!

#3.       Hermann park is a great place to host a race, you can see almost all the action from one spot.

#4.       Live music

#5.       Food and beer

#6.       Great volunteers

#7.       Course design offers a bit of everything

#8.       Hermann, baby! There could not be a better host city.

CCPB: Thanks Jeff!

The races start at 4:00 PM on Saturday with the Masters 30+ field and continue until the Men's 1/2/3 race kicks off at 9:00 PM that night. Sunday, the show starts at 10:00 AM and continues until the final race kicks off at 3:00 PM with the same order. Come on out and get dirty...

Better living through chemistry

2011-09-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard the story that former US cyclist and drug runner, Joe Papp has admitted to supplying French racer Jeannie Longo's coach and husband, Yolande Ciprelli with EPO for her use. Of course, Ciprelli is following the playbook response in appropriate stepwise manner:
1) Declare outrage.
2) Deny everything.
3) Lawyer up.
4) Sue the accusers for defamation of character (forthcoming).

For those of you who don't know, Jeannie Longo-Ciprelli has an amazing 59 national titles and 13 world titles to her credit and was slated to be selected for the French national team to compete in the upcoming World championships. Blah, blah, blah - we've heard this all before. What really struck me about this story was what Papp wrote in one of the newly released emails from him to Ciprelli sealing the deal in 2007 regarding the sale of the EPO.

"We ask that you send us the 500 euros on Monday, with your shipping information. We then ship to you the 80,000 iu (international units) and we call it "even" because we want you to be happy and satisfied with your transaction from us. We are closing all specials Monday 23 April, so we want for you to be able to take advantage of the good pricing since you have been in contact with us for some time."

What the shit is this? Was Papp honestly running special sales on the Poe? "Buy now for 25% off and get your pre-mixed sterile viles for free. Only good through Monday, so hurry!"

And in othe recent breaking news, apparently inspired by the RadioShack-Leopard merger, now Astana and SaxoBank are "talking to each other" according to the Dutch newspaper DeTelegraaf.

And why shouldn't the RadioShack-Leopard merger serve as inspiration? It worked for Garmin-Cervelo, right? Sports writer Bonnie Ford with ESPN has an interesting article on the subject here. I've taken the liberty to lift some of the more memorable quotes from her piece:

Brian Nygaard, the Leopard general manager Bruyneel will replace, declined comment. Through a team spokesman, Becca also declined to be interviewed. Stapleton said he took no offense at Becca's reported comments in a Luxembourg television interview that "nothing about this team will be American except the sponsors.'' Why would RadioShack, a company that doesn't do business in western Europe, cede control to an organization based there? "This is not a precursor to expanding" into that part of the world, Applbaum [RadioShack chief marketing officer] clarified.

Applbaum said he and RadioShack are comfortable with their commitment. He expressed regret that some riders and staff will lose their jobs, but said he is confident Bruyneel will make the transition smooth. "He has an incredible track record in Grand Tours. … He's a phenomenal manager of people," Applbaum said. "Integrity is a core pillar of our brand, and at this juncture, we continue to monitor the [Armstrong] situation. If the investigation changes course, we'll address it at that time."

Cervelo co-founder Gerard Vroomen said the constantly shifting alliances in cycling have immunized him from being surprised at anything, and he pointed out that the Schlecks were reportedly first courted by Bruyneel a couple of years ago when RadioShack was being formed. Vroomen speculated that Becca became impatient both with the search for a title sponsor and the team's results. "I can't climb into his head, but 12 months ago he was probably sure he was going to win the Tour de France and the spring classics, and he didn't do either,'' Vroomen said. "Someone must have made the suggestion that Bruyneel creates Tour de France winners.''

Yes indeed, Bruyneel does know how to "create" a Tour de France winner.

T-shirt now comes in maillot-jaune yellow!

Here's what I find puzzling. Becca wants that "nothing about the team will be American," (aside from the money apparently) and this in spite the fact that the current US National champion Mathew Busche, in addition to former champion Ben King as well as Chris Horner will be racing for them. Further, according to Ford, "Capital Sports and Entertainment, the Austin-based company that held RadioShack's license through a subsidiary, will....become a subcontractor, handling marketing and sponsor hospitality. Trek (an American company) was already supplying bikes to both teams" and will continue to do so. And "RadioShack will continue its affiliation with its most famous former rider, keeping Lance Armstrong under a personal services and endorsement contract, according to his agent, CS&E founder and partner Bill Stapleton."

For your consideration:

#1) Team bikes: American. Team money: American. Team riders: American champions. Team owner: "Nothing...will be American." I may not know my ass from apple-butter - but something tells me the right hand doesn't know who the left hand is jerking off.

#2) Anyone else think the Hog is looking forward to getting out of the States...like yesterday?

#3) Why would the ever-patriotic Armstrong be OK with supporting a team in which "nothing...will be American."

#4) Truly - what is in this deal for RadioShack which has no presence in Europe, where operations will be based, and the majority of the team's racing presence will be felt?

The Return of Friday Mail!

2011-09-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today, I am sad, dear readers. After my Flavia Becca dressing down yesterday for not having the good sense to re-sign Jens Voigt to the 2012 Cougar-Shack squad, I read today on VeloNews that he has, in fact, come around and lured the team's oldest rider back into the leopard den, as it were. Honestly, I was happy Jens might be able to escape having to ride for the Hog and his pack of Cougars. Further, I was really kind of hoping Jensie would go rogue and form his own team of Germanic hard-asses that would do nothing but bleed, attack and spout forth colorful quips. He, of course, would be captain of the squad and would successfully lure Jan Ulrich and Erik Zabel out of retirement, get sponsorship from St. Pauli's Girl, load themselves to the gills on doping product made from EPO, bratwurst and Jägermeister and teach the whole peloton how to harden the fuck up. But it looks like that's not going to happen....this year, anyway. In the absence of that, I am happy to bring you something else truly Jens-errific: The Jens Voigt Soundboard.

Just follow aforementioned link to the Jens Voigt Army website, and then click on the Jens quotes to sample them. I can't decide which my favorite is....it's either "A swift kick in the balls..." or "You don't have to be afraid to touch it." Then upload the app to your iPhone or Android to take Jens with you. It only costs a buck!

And although Jens signing with a team that will be directed by the Hog has me down, I was happy to have received this in the COMO CYCO mailbox yesterday which cheered me right back up.

However, I'm not sure what they mean by "Collection" party and am wondering if they might actually be passing a collection plate around to gather money to help pay Michael Ball's team of attorneys or to just chip in for the hookers and blow. Either way - I'm so there.

And speaking of mail - I think it's time to resurrect ye olde mailbag, which seems to be bursting at the seams since we last opened it up!

Dear Poobah,

Wise oh Poobah, I am in sort of a pickle, well ok maybe more 'cornfused'. You see I have these cycling friends with whom I ride and, on occasion, socialize. Well today I was walking down the street to go grab myself a bite to eat and low and behold, across the street are several of these so-called friends. Unbeknownst to me, they were meeting for lunch at a local Korean BBQ place. One of my supposed friends yelled at me to come join them but I had other things that I needed to do. But here is my 'cornfusion':

Why wasn't I invited to lunch?

Was this a secret off-the-bike cycling meeting purposefully in my absence?

Maybe I didn't shave my legs close enough for our last group ride?

Maybe I can't hold my line in the paceline?

Maybe I am a douche to them?

I mean the cycling world is full of douches and this fine city of Columbia has more then its fair share. I mean hell just this past Tuesday we all worked together to beat a local tri-douche on our weekly Tuesday night world championships. I worked for one of these aforementioned friends and then I get stiffed for lunch? (not the good kind of stiffing mind you). I am just looking for some guidance from you oh wise and knowledgeable of all things cycling Poobah. What should I do? Should I just chalk it up as a fluke? Should I cry myself to sleep? Heck maybe I should just give up cycling? Grow out my leg hair? Or just get a hold of Horner or the uni-baller to hook me up with some Poe so I can rip those fuckers' legs off on the next group ride?

Thank you for any and all advice.
Sincerely,
"Not wanting to be a douche"

Dear "Not Wanting to be a Douche,"

Firstly, thank you for your letter. Before I respond, let me ask you to watch a video:

What can we learn from this? Here is a hardworking man trying to earn a living by cleaning swimming pools. He is being videotaped by his supposed "friends" who seem to take great pleasure when the man encounters adversity. Clearly, at one time, he must have trusted these friends...enough to let them video him. But look where it got him. He ends up alone, ridiculed and lying in puddle of rotting pool slop. My point? At least you're not that guy! So cheer up! That BBQ wasn't that tasty anyway....(I take it back - the pork lunch is freaking fantastic).

Dear Poobah,
I'm starting a new cycling business in town and wanted to get some advice from you on how to properly advertise. With so many other great shops in Columbia, I fear it's going to be tough to break into the market - so I'm trying a unique angle - but want to make sure my advertisement campaign is successful from the start so I can hit the ground running. What do you think?
Thanks so much!
Gina J.

Gina-
Well, on the upside, I'm happy to see you are offering the lesbian haircuts for anyone - because otherwise you could be accused of being discriminatory. But $15 may be a little steep to start out with....I'd do them for $10 and a free bike cleaning.

Dear Poobah,
The last time I showed up for a cyclocross training ride, I got made fun of for wearing a skin suit. What did I do wrong? I've seen guys wear them at CX races, as well as crits and time trials, of course. Is it just because I shouldn't wear it to train in or are they unacceptable for cross? Please advise!
Kyle F.

Kyle,

Listen, man - haters gonna hate. You just need to worry about being you and not listening to everyone around you. And if that means rocking a bad-ass-flying-pegasus-skeleton skin suit to cross practice - you do that. But be warned - you might not be invited to Korean BBQ if you keep wearing that shit.

Dear Poobah,

I'm introducing my daughter to the world of bike racing and want to make sure I'm doing it right. I took a picture of her at her most recent juniors race and am enclosing it. Any tips you could offer would be most appreciated. She's the one in the foreground (#461).

Thanks so much!

Robert H.

Robert,

Where in the hell are her clipless pedals? You actually made her go out there in running shoes? I should call child services on your ass. Get her some freaking Sidi Ergo 2 carbon soles or don't bother having her even show up next time. Pathetic.

Dear Poobah,

Having grown up in the 80's, my sister and I were so sad to read about the recent retirement of NASA's space shuttle program. We grew up watching every shuttle launch and the various space missions inspired us both to pursue degrees in science. To celebrate the most recent and final shuttle mission, we rode our bikes all the way to The Kennedy Space Center's launch site and had our photo taken there, together.

Now that the Space Shuttle is no more, what do you think our nation's next major scientific achievement will be?

Thank you,

Elizabeth and Erin M.

Bringing back rocket-pops! I've not had one of those in forever!

Have a great weekend, everyone -

CCPB

Adult Males, Vibrations and Douchebags, Oh My!!!

2011-09-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

While perusing the COMO/Jeff City Craigslist last night for some bike parts for a friend, I stumbled upon this post under the "Wanted" section:

"Looking for an adult male bicycle."

Although it may surprise some, I've suspected for years that many cyclists ascribe a particular gender to their bikes, much like they do to their cars, or boats. My own road bike actually started out as a woman, but then went through a sex change sometime last year. No longer sleek and sexy, he has become creaky and groans a lot like an old man that gets up 3 times every night to take a leak. What can I say - we walk the same path. But feeling helpful, I've actually gone in search of an adult male bicycle for the craigslist poster above and hopefully have come up with something he may find of use.

I would contend that a bicycle cannot get any more adult and male than being a sperm bike.

Yes, travel with me dear reader to Copenhagen, where the sperm bike (translated in Danish to "Sperm Bullit") is the preferred way of transporting "deposits" made at Capenhagen's Nordisk Cryobank. Fully loaded, the bike weighs 50kg (about 23 lbs). That's a lot of deposits.

When not in use for transporting sperm, the liquid nitrogen tank can also cool your beer in less than 2 seconds.

In other news, you may wonder what everyone's favorite boy racer Mark "the Manx Missile" Cavendouche is doing in this recently uncovered photograph which captures him in semi-crouched position, with an intent look on his face:

And if you said that he was practicing his sprint-shit posture before the world championships, you would only be partially correct. In actuality, he is testing out a vibration plate called the Galileo Vibraflex, that provides whole body vibration which, according to the plate's manufacturer, can be "used in strength training, stretching and recovery." No telling how long the Doucher actually had to stand on the plate to get his money - but I'm guessing just long enough for the company rep to snap the photo. NYC Velocity reporter Andy Shen gives the lowdown on the machine and provides a video of that same squat-shit positioning of a cyclist on the trainer:

Curious, I checked out the manufacturer's website, "Amplitude Vibration Studio" and found some other photos of how this little number can be used....

There's the Single Leg Lunge:

The Back Stretch

And my personal favorite, The Bridge.

Wisely, the folks in charge of marketing did not post photos of Cavendouche performing the Bridge on their website.

And in final news today, we get to start playing the new guessing game, "Where will Jensie go?" With the newly formed Cougar-Shack squad only having room for 30 cyclists, financial backer Flavio Becca has gone on record:

"Becca made it clear that the new team would consist largely of current Leopard riders. He indicated that of the 25 riders now on the team, the five whose contracts expire at the end of the year would leave......Those five riders are Jens Voigt, Martin Pedersen, Bruno Pires, Thomas Rohregger and Stuart O'Grady. The latter has already announced that he will ride for the new GreenEdge team next year."

Wow, Bruyneel and Becca have got to be even more stupid than what I originally gave them credit for. They are going to let go of one of the most loyal teammates to the FrAndy twins and arguably the most popular and hard-working cyclist in the pro peloton?

"Pssst, Andy.....watch while I lift left cheek and float air-biscuit onto Mercedes Benz representative sitting behind me. Heheh - he will not be amused, eh?"

I have a feeling this ass-clown hasn't even realized his full potential yet. And with the combined power of the Hog, this duo could be merging itself into the perfect storm of douchebaggery for next year.

This post is brough to you by the letter 'M' which stands for Multitasking and Merging

2011-09-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

As i was snagging YouTube videos for yesterday's post, I noticed several topic-related advertisements along the side bar on YouTube's page. This one caught my eye.

Honestly, I have no idea what kind of a company "Soujourn" is, but I'm guessing they are in the business of swinging cycling vacations somewhere in North America as couple #1 (on the left) are wearing Colorado-esque jerseys and couple #2 (on the right) are wearing Canada-esque jerseys.....and are also dry-humping doggy-style while photographing couple #1 in some Tuscan villa. Lessons learned from this? Canadians multi-task better than Americans, or after those long, dark Canadian winters, any self-respecting Canuck gets irrepressibly horny if you place them in a Mediterranean setting.

And speaking of multitasking, a reader sent me a couple of photos of how our local COMO bike racks are also having to do some multitasking as of late.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

In theory, I have no problem with the skateboard being chained to the bikerack. However that's because I'm old, and envisioning skaters from the Dogtown and Z-boys era:

Peggy Oki - the only female member of the original Zephyr team. She could have chained her skateboard to my bikerack any day.

Instead - I'm pretty sure most of the individuals carrying skateboards on campus today are a little more like this:

Nothing more than an advertisement for something choaderific. He probably just swapped his fixie out for the board - which he bought used off of Craigslist to make sure it has that well-worn look.

However, using a bike rack as a sign post for a no-trespassing sign is perfection in the art of mixed messages. That said, I would be willing to bet that not a single bicycle had been parked at this particular bike rack seen on Cherry Street for a long-ass time, thus prompting the owners of the adjacent establishment to use it for another purpose. This isn't justification - it's just an observation that most COMO citizens would still prefer to drive to get their soy double mocha frappucinos rather than ride or walk there.

And speaking of mixed signals, Brian Nygaard, former General Manager of Trek Leopard is stepping down from his position with the team as it ~~whores itself out~~ merges with RadioShack. The name of the new team is RadioShack-Nissan-Trek. And whoops - looks like mastermind Falvio Becca forgot to tell his current Leopard sponsor, Mercedes Benz, that the ~~whoring out~~ merger was occuring with a company that already has financial backing from an auto company: Nissan.

Looks like Andy is going to have the keys to the Benz back....

But seriously, the name 'RadioShack-Nissan-Trek' is just God-awful. How can Bruyneel expect the lithe European boys from Leopard (pronounced lay-O-pard) to ride for a team with such a cumbersome and un-feline name? Certainly we can help them come up with something better. I've read it numerous places and clearly am pilfering it from someone, by with the increasing age of some of the cyclists likely to be retained after the ~~whoring~~ merger (ie Horner), the name Cougar-Shack seems to be pretty appropriate.

With all of this change, the Hog has got to be feeling a little stressed, so let's lend him a hand. If you send me your idea of a new better team name, I will compile the entire list and hand-write them on the back of a card that he might find helpful in his near future.

Resurrect Dead: Summer recap and groin wounds.

2011-09-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

Holy God, what a shit, movie. What better way to once again, resurrect a shit blog?

Last winter, the GEEC and I saw another, much better move, entitled "Resurrect Dead" at the True/False film festival. It has absolutely nothing to do with cycling, or blogging, but I was reminded of it this past weekend, by title only, when a very good friend chastized me for abandoning COMO CYCO for the summer. I mean - what are friends for if not berating you? It started me thinking that maybe I should get the band back together...That, in combination with the fact that despite me not answering my email in like 4 months, people keep sending me shit. What the hell? I maintained this blog for a year and a half to the sound of crickets and lonely tumbleweed blowing by with nary a response, snigger, or comment....and I roll over and play dead for a few months and the mailbag starts filling up? Oh COMO cycling world - you are a fickle, tough nut to crack.

So what do I do, try once again? What's the harm? A few wasted minutes of my day serving you up the latest slop? Even fewer wasted minutes on your part skipping over said slop in search for photos of semi-clothed people on bicycles? Well, truth be told - I've missed you, dear readers. In all of your infinite silence and reticence, I still seek your company.

With that said - let's try to play catch up on what we've missed this summer.
#1) There was this big race in France in July won by somebody named Cadel Evans. This was celebrated by virtually dozens of Aussies, probably most splendidly by these two in particular. The first guy unfortunately falls prey to the all-too common drawback of wearing a cape as a superhero.

Winning the Tour de France, of course, is quite an accomplishment and one for which Cadel should be very proud. But despite how amazing an achievement the overall victory was, in my mind, it paled in comparison to some of his single day performances, like this one.

It's good to see Cadel back on form. And who could be more deserving to be the recipient of Evans' backwash than Cavendouche himself.

#2) Many a cycling-related vacation was taken by COMO cyclists. And some of these adventures were captured on film! The most surprising of which has to be our beloved Josh from Walt's who was caught yelling at the camerman while portaging a fixie in the hills above Los Angeles!

The most disturbing thing about this photo is that he is not riding the Waterford.

#3) There was a big race in Colorado during which this guy who somehow miraculously only gets better the older he gets wins. As another dear friend instructed me after the stage in Crested Butte, "Big foreheads = steroids."

Jesus, I hope the little guy is clean....

Regardless, the crowds in Colorado still proved themselve classy to the Euro-elite.

This is most likely because most of them were Missourians who elected to spend their tourism dollars in Colorado versus in our home state since our brilliant Governor shit-canned the Tour of Missouri. Thanks Gov. Nixon!

#4) Poor Tom Boonen suffers insult on top of injury (quite literally) by growing another body hole prior to fracturing a bone in his hand.

"The perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus, is simply the most delicate part of the body," said Tom.

Poor Tom tore his in the Vuelta. Not. Good.

"Because of the friction of the pants with the saddle, I suffer from an unjury to the scrotum. The extreme heat and excessive sweating caused a heavy irritation in that area. There is a hole."

#5) And speaking of heavy irritations to the groin, the cycling world confirms once again that the best way to validate a rumor is to deny it emphatically. No, I'm not speaking of Lance. I'm speaking of the new "merger" between Trek Leopard and RadioShack.

Yup, that chamois-muncher Hog, did it! Kudos to him and his soon to be heavily liquidated staff for both moving the team to Europe and the impending lay-offs to a shit-ton of hard-working soigneurs, mechanics and cooks. Even bigger kudos go to Leopard owner Flavio Becca for not telling his cyclists about the change! However, like a rat jumping from a sinking boat, Levi clearly sensed the rising water in time to plunge over to Omega-Pharma days before the announcement was made. No word yet on how his equally large-foreheaded and aged colleague Chris Horner will deal with the loss, but by his Twitter account, it looks like he's taking the Goonie philosophy on it.

If anybody busts him doing the truffle shuffle, send me video, please.

That's all for today, kids. It's good to be back. Thanks to all who sent me links to the stories...

CCPB

Apologies: Requested, confusing and inadequate.

2011-06-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

This morning, the Associated Press is reporting that Lance Armstrong's horde of attorneys has formally asked "60 Minutes" for an on-air apology via a letter sent to CBS News Chairman and executive producer, Jeff Fager. It reads, in part:

"In the cold light of morning your story was either extraodinarily shoddy, to the point of being reckless and unprofessional, or a vicious hit-and-run job. In either case, a categorical on-air apology is required........What is particularly disturbing is that '60 Minutes' had access to the true facts, could easily have verified them, and apparently chose instead to broadcast untruths and then layer innuendo on top of the falsehoods."

Questions:
#1) How do LA's attorneys know that the morning after the "60 minutes" broadcast was cold? It certainly wasn't cold everywhere - maybe only in Austin, TX. Maybe, in fact if you watched it in Boca Raton, Florida, the morning after was actually warm and breezy? But that doesn't sound as good...."In the warm and breezy light of morning, your story....blah blah blah...." Anyway - I'm just saying it might not have been cold where you live. Hell, it might not have even been morning - like if you watched it in Thailand or something - in which case the EVENING after the broadcast would most certainly have been dark and sticky. Points to ponder.

#2) LA's attorneys give two possibilities for the story: It was EITHER a) "extraordinarily shoddy" or b) "a hit-and-run job." The former possibility suggests that the claims could have just been ordinarily shoddy - but, in fact, that the supposed shoddiness of these specific claims was "extraordinary" in nature. But this begs the question of how one distinguishes between something that is 'ordinarily' shoddy and 'extraordinarily' shoddy?

Oh wait - I get it now....

The second possibility was that it was a "hit-and-run job" which really had me concerned - because I like "60 Minutes" and would hate for it not to be on anymore. So I've checked the local listings, and sure enough - "60 Minutes" has not gone away and will be on again this Sunday. (Thank goodness - because I just don't like thinking about having to go a week without Andy Rooney bitching about shoes or eyeglasses or fast food or something....he's so cute.)

What if Andy apologized for his eyebrows. Would that make Lance happy?

#3) How exactly would Team Lance like "60 Minutes" to word their apology? In other words - what are they supposed to apologize for? Something like, "We, "60 Minutes" apologize for televising Tyler Hamilton confess to doping and telling the world what he saw." By the way, has Team Lance bothered to ask themselves why Hamilton would be lying NOW about this? Lying NOW about this to the Grand Jury means jail time....I suppose all that time in jail would give him the peace and quiet to write that book.

#4) What is Team Lance going to do if "60 Minutes" decides NOT to apologize? I mean, one time, back when I was a little kid, I bit my sister in the armpit and my mother told me to apologize to her. But I knew that there would be ramifications if I blew it off. If I didn't apologize, then I would probably get knocked around a little bit and then not get to stay up to watch Fantasy Island....so, by God, I apologized!

I wasn't a big Tattoo fan - but I dug me some Fantasy Island women!

And while we're on the topic of absurd requests....it lookes like Riccardo Ricco will be racing again shortly.

Despite having almost died from an auto-transfusion of blood which fried his kidneys and got him kicked off the Vacansoleil team, he's been signed by Team Meridian-Kamen and is on the roster to be racing at the Tour of Serbia on June 13. Rumor had it he would actually make a come back with Team Amore e Vita whose kit he was seen in last week - but team director Fanini gave him 5 conditions upon which his acceptance to the squad relied (and no - I'm not making this up - Google translate and read it here.)

Remove the two earrings and the diamond embedded in your tooth
Fire your trainer and your lawyer
Don't have any syringe in your possessions, unless we approve it
Move in with your partner and your son and live no more than few miles from team headquarters so we can test you any time we feel like it.
Confess all you know to the authorities about currently active doping systems.

I wonder which of the 5 conditions he couldn't live up to? I'm guessing it was the tooth diamond. I wouldn't have given that up either...

It's Friday Afternoon: Do you know where your Hog is?

2011-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Seriously, where in the hell is The Hog? As you may or may not know - Johan Bruyneel, long time directeur sportif for Lance Armstrong and team director for RadioShack, is also known as "The Hog." But I'm not sure if he was called The Hog before or after he declared himself a "mastermind."

(Rumor has it the alternative title was "We Might As Well Win: Lessons I've learned from Edgar Alan Poe.")

See - it's right there on the cover of his book entitled "We Might As Well Win - On the road to success with the mastermind behind eight Tour de France Victories." He's the one holding his chin in a thoughtful pose. I honestly can't decide which nickname I like better...Hog or Mastermind...Mastermind or Hog?

It's kind of old news now, but the day after the 60 Minutes story aired, Italian police decided to pay a visit to Team RadioShack at the Giro d'Italia. It seems that the team bus was searched first thing in the morning on their rest day this past Monday. Of particular interest, however, was that The Hog had mysteriously disappeared from the Giro the night before - and no one could find him for days! This actually had me quite concerned...until I got on Twitter this morning and saw that he had posted a message with a photo.

"View from my dining room."

"Wow," is all I have to say! That is some view. Where the hell is his dining room, in a secluded fortress atop some mountain? I guess that book deal was pretty lucrative! With a view like that - Bruyneel definitely emodies the moniker of 'mastermind' moreso than 'The Hog,' I think.

Honestly, I'm just glad to know he is OK.....cause it was starting to feel like a bit of a game:

Click to enlargen to play "Where's The Hog?"

Speaking of the 60 Minutes interview and The Hog, one of the allegations made by Tyler Hamilton was that The Hog and LA paid the director of the Swiss Anti-Doping laboratory, Martial Saugy, a little visit after a bunch of urine tested as "suspicious" for EPO at the 2001 Tour de Suisse. One of Armstrong's attorneys, Tim Herman, (shit, it's getting difficult to keep track of them all) responded to this by saying "neither Armstrong nor Bruyneel have any recollection of meeting [Saugy] for any purpose at any time." Oops. It looks like Saugy does remember a meeting with the boys - I guess it did happen, after all.

Man these guys are hard to pin down - even they can't remember where they are or where they've been, or to whom they've spoken. But in their defense - they are getting older....and that makes remembering things a little more difficult. I think occasions like that are called "senior moments." But lucky for them and Team RadioShack, is that no matter how forgetful they may get in their elder years, they also seem to get a lot stronger and faster!

ATOC Stage 7 (Mt. Baldy): First and Second place - Combined age: 76 years.

But it's all good....these guys have earned the right to be fast....and to live in luxury....and to travel well and quickly from place to place. I mean, no wonder it's hard to track them down when they can zip in and out of places on their personal private jets. But what's wrong with the cycling elite getting to move about with a little style?

I mean - this guy won the TdF 7 fricking times, people! That's a race! Not like some one-day joy ride on a God-forsaken northern European rustic cattle path!

Speaking of which.....

"f-cancellara on our flight tonight!" via Ken Sommer Twitter 5/22/11.

At any rate - welcome home Hog, mastermind of 8 Tours de France....we've missed you. And word is there are some nice gentlemen that have some questions for you.....

By the way, COMO kids - tomorrow is the annual Pedaler's Jamboree. Tickets are still available up until 8PM tonight - so don't miss out. And there will be absolutely, positively, no advantages to taking anything that could actually enhance your performance on this ride, people! In fact - I'm pretty sure it's just the opposite....

Have a great weekend.

Time to clean the gutters

2011-05-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Obvious to very few, I've been hesitant to write anything these past couple of months. This is due to several reasons. First, the rain gutters on my house really needed cleaning. (FYI, I'm still in the contemplative phase of cleaning them - but that alone is a time consuming chore.) Secondly, my views on cycling have become increasingly jaded, and recently, downright paranoid. That is to say, my views on professional cycling. This of course didn't help:

But honestly, the 60 minutes piece was a little misguided, soft-handed and apologetic for my tastes, and only served as a weak chaser of sorts to longtime LA fanboy Bill Strickland's article in Bicycling entitled "Lance Armstrong's Endgame" that starts off with the sentence,

"When I told my daughter that I believed that Lance Armstrong had doped, she didn't have much to say."

I have to admit, the entire issue chaps my ass. Firstly, why does everyone feel they need to be so apologetic in the reporting of this story? Secondly, I'm simply pissed that Armstrong thinks he can lie and buy his way out of this. Obviously, I think he's guilty and have thought that for a long time. But I don't really want to spew my bias and suspicions on anyone else - just have a place to vent. And this is why if I continue to maintain this blog - I'm not going to post on Facebook anymore. No one should be subjected to anyone's opinion on anything unknowingly - it's not fair. Therefore - if you are interested in my thoughts, you can wander by on your own free will anytime from now on - and if my opinions upset you, no worries, just move along. So yeah, I'm convinced he doped. And you know what - I could care less. But this is what I do care about, and why this issue does matter, 10+ years after the fact:

Yeah - I, myself, was an LA fanboy back in the day - probably bigger than most. So am I pissed that I chose to look up to him? Not really. That's just who I am - I get excited about extraordinary things and have the tendency to look up to anyone who demonstrates the capacity to achieve greatness.

I think the following video best surmises why I'm pissed and why I think this matters. This is sworn testimony in the SCA deposition from 2005, and LA has just been asked why his current contract with Tailwind Sports doesn't have a clause in it specificying the ramifications if he tests positive. Listen for about a minute and a half (or as long as you want).

Did you catch that bit about how it doesn't matter if his contract has a clause in it that outlines what will happen if he is ever caught with his hand in the cookie jar? In his words, it wouldn't matter because at greater stake is the faith of cancer survivors and hundreds of thousands of supporters. I hope he sleeps well at night using us as his defense.

But of course, he has decided to cloak himself with something a little more substantial than just the faith and hope of cancer survivors. Take the news from today: LA has just hired attorneys John Keker and Elliot Peters. If you don't remember, these guys formerly represented professional baseball players and successfully prevented federal agents from accessing the results of their drug tests back in 2003. That's their speciality: suppressing information. A question: If you have nothing to hide - why pay so much money in hiring professional 'hiders' to keep it hidden? For those of you keeping score - that brings LA's attorney count up to 6: Keker, Peters, Fabiani, Herman, Luskin and Daily. I guess that's what they call "lawyering up."

News flash for Lance: There are two courts that are going to affect your outcome: the court of law and the court of public opinion. And brandname attorneys don't help your case in the latter court; quite the opposite.

And it's also got to be flipping expensive! Where will the money come from? Cause I'm guessing his attorneys don't share Lance's sentiment, so eloquently expressed in the video above, that "It's not about the money." Lucky for him, he's got a few luxury homes laying around that he is trying to sell off. And guess which one just dropped in price from $12.1 million to $8.7 million last Friday, the same day he hired Bob Luskin (ex-attorney for Karl Rove).

This one!!! A beautiful "vacation home" in Dripping Springs, TX.

We can only hope that this signals an Armstrong liquidation sale of some sort. Cause I've had my eyes on one of those yeller-colored jerseys for a while now. I'm guessing that the fancy pockets on the back will come in handy for holding tools when I'm up on the ladder cleaning out my rain gutters. Although I'm about a year late in cleaning them - I don't actually feel so bad. Look how long it's taken someone to finally start thinking about cleaning out America's dirtiest cycling gutter!

Friday weekly round up and some mail

2011-03-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

First off - some apologies are in order for the great dearth of posting this week.....All work and no play makes PooBah a dull boy:

Damn day-job is kicking my ass.

Second order of business is to let you know that there will be no posts next week either.....again due to aforementioned 'ass-kicking day-job.'

Third - I think we are long overdue on a round-up of some COMO cycling news. There has been lots of activity over the past week and lots going on this weekend. Some of our finest COMO cyclists have been busy on and off the bike. So let's get caught up:

1) A great post is available over at COMO cyclist John Schottler's blog about his USAC Pro Ultra-Endurance MTB race in Hot Springs Arkansas last Saturday called the Spa City 6-Hour. It sounded like 6 hours of pure hell, and Schot came in second - only 4 minutes behind winner Manuel Prado of Sho-Air Specialized.

Schottler is currently in 2nd place in the 4 race series: next up is the Firecracker 50 in Breckenridge over the 4th of July.

COMO's own Dr. Green-Beans also laid it down at the Spa City 6-hour finishing a strong 20th, after not having ridden his dirt bike for 6 consecutive hours since 2008!

These beans are faster than they look!

2) University of Missouri's Austin Vinton rode sans team in last weekend's Mizzou Road Race (Men's A) to finish an impressive 8th place behind incredibly strong teams from Marian and Purdue Universities. This kid is scary good.

3) COMO's own Ltd. Dan has also been posting away on his blog....bringing us THREE highlights this week:

First, a photo of his (not-so) new set of wheels that is doing double duty as his road and CX bike in his preparation for another Bubba Cross season as well as for CX Nationals in Madison:

What's going on in the background?

Second, the above photo also inadvertently gives us COMO CYCO's Babe of the Week....literally!

I hope there's not a stain on that armrest...

And third, he brings us news of his awesome wife taking part in a fund-raising event Saturday night to raise money to combat childhood cancer. She's shaving her head! The least you can do is chip in a few bucks...

4) Next up - a little off-the-bike news about COMO's Cat 1-2 transplant from Manhatten, KS, Lawrence Simonson. Not only is he tearing up the pavement in preparation for what promises to be an impressive spring road and crit season racing as one of CBC's leaders, but I stumbled upon this article in the Columbia Tribune that he is also moonlighting as a gigantic shoe!

"The new Walking School Bus mascot greets West Boulevard Elementary School students Wednesday morning. The mascot, yet to be named, is meant to attract kids to the walk-to-school program."

Now onto some other news and announcements:

This Sunday is The Great Forest Park Bicycle Race in St. Louis. Best of luck to the CBC, and all other COMO kids competing there.

If you've got gravel on the brain this Sunday instead, The Hermann Hairy out and back ride is going down and promises to be 72 miles of gravel bliss. The ride starts at 9AM sharp from Wings A' Blazin' in Hermann, MO.

I also want to give a shout out to our very own polo squad: COMOPOLO.

It sounds like their practices are now in full swing - and as ever, they welcome newbies!

Well - that leaves us only time for a couple of letters this week....

Dear PooBah,
The loves of my life include camping, mountain biking and my girlfriend, Bambi. Unfortunately my tent only has room for two and I choose my mountain bike (I call her Liz Hatch) over Bambi. Mainly because only one of my loves is ready to ride (or should I say be ridden) at a moments notice. Even though Bambi doesn't fully understand, she's sticking with me for now. (Also, I've got the keys to the van). Is there anything that you could suggest so I can help her understand where I'm coming from?
Regards,
Peter Strokenoff.

Peter,

Thanks so much for the letter. Many of us can understand the obsession you have for your bike. And I'm very familiary with all the arguments to justify the time you spend with her: "She's always there when you need her, she's in the mood 24/7 and she loves getting really dirty, etc, etc, etc..." Just remember, my friend...this can go both ways. You keep this behavior up, and you just might come home to your girlfriend doing this with her handlbars....

Consider yourself warned...

Dear PooBah,
Sometimes in the middle of a ride, I just like to pull to the side of the road, sit down and contemplate how totally awesome I am. I find this actually enhances my conditioning through positive mental reinforcement and thought I should share this little tip with your readers..
Stuart S.

Stuart,

You may not be aware of just how close to being truly awesome you actually are, my friend. I mean - you are literally a couple of bic razors, one cannister of UltraSlim fast, a couple of hundred thousand miles of actual riding and two units of Vinokurov's finest O negative from being a bottle washer for Astana! Keep up the great work.

Dear PooBah,

I am a road cyclist that wants to convert to triathalons, but I have a question about the different apparel that the different groups wear. I notice that most triathletes actually wear much smaller cycling jerseys and shorts than roadies. I'm guessing this is to optimize performance during the swim, run and on the bike, but honestly, I'm really not sure. I definitely believe in "looking the part" so want to be dressed appropriately. I have my first sprint-distance event in a couple weeks. Can you tell me if this outfit will work?

Thanks!

Marianne G.

Marianne,

Surprisingly, this outfit is the most appropriate apparel for just about anything you want to do, be it road cycling, triathalons, washing the car, cleaning out the gutters, pouring concrete, etc, etc... Well played.

Have a great weekend and week. See you in April sometime (I hope).

Friday Mail: Don't read.....go ride instead

2011-03-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah....If you are actually stuck inside reading this crap today, I'm really, really sorry. You should be out on your bike. We both should be, actually.

And with that - let's jump into the mailbag.

Son,
I read your post this week in which you made fun of the email I sent you giving some tips on how you might save a little money on gas in these troubling economic times. I'm sure you and all your little readers got a nice little chuckle at my expense. God forbid I should try to teach you anything....I guess you know it all, now - right? Well, despite what you think, I've always had respect for your bike riding.....so much so that I thought your readers should see a picture of you back in the day - when you first started getting obsessed with your bikes.

Because I know how much you try to protect your anonymity, I'll let your readers try to figure out if you are the one with the erect nipples and buck teeth, or the fellow wearing the Daisy Dukes. By the way, call your Mother.

Dad

Dear PooBah,
By the occasional hints you and others have dropped about your age - I'm guessing you grew up in the 70's. Would I be correct? I'm an undergrad, so cannot even conceive of what riding in the 70's was like. Can you fill me in on how you used to train way back then?
Thanks
Jackson V.

Jack,
Yes, I was a 70's kid. And if the aforementioned photo did not clue you in enough on what training was like back then, maybe this will help complete the picture:

Open your parents' extra fridge in the basement to stay cool, buckle up your suspenders and give those rollers hell!

Dear PooBah,
I'm hoping you can give me some advice on why my bike may ride so rough. I absolutely love cycling, but am just shredding my taint every time I'm on the bike. I've tried chamois cream, expensive chamois shorts, three different kinds of saddles, and have been professionally fit but still cannot seem to have a comfortable ride. Can you offer any kind of advice?
Thanks in advance.
Myron F.

Myron,

You might try to ride a lower air pressure in your tires....oh wait, nevermind.

PooBah,
I know it's not safe, but I love listening to tunes while I ride? Do you have any good recommendations?
Thanks a ton!
Norman G.

Norm,
There are some really good Swedish alternative groups that are definitely worth a listen....

Dear PooBah,

I just wanted to let you know about some sweet jewelry that I just made for my girlfriend. She's a great cyclist and loves wearing anything cycling-related. She's also really into piercing - so I had to come up with something that would dangle well. I ended up grabbing some old parts laying around my shop and made these for her. What do you think?

Trent A.

Trent,

Nice job, man. But if you used the small chainring for an earring, I'm wondering where she's wearing the big chain ring?

Dear PooBah,
I hope you've recovered from that letter and photo your Dad sent of you back in the 70's. They were really HARSH! Old photos are hardly every flattering. Everyone has some truly cringeworthy pictures that were taken of them from decades ago - and you shouldn't let it get you down too much. To make you feel better, I'm enclosing a truly embarassing picture taken of my sister and me training back in the early 80's. I can hardly even look at it now. Anyway - I hope it raises your spirits.
Allison V.

Allison,

Holy CRAP. And I thought my picture was bad! I cannot believe you actually wore one of those leather hairnet helmets! Absolutely humiliating.....

Enjoy the weather everyone - ride safe!

Scary fast: Chasing a rainbow

2011-03-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Perusing the cycling news today, I stumbled upon an interview that pezcyclingnews did with American cyclist, Clayton Barrows.

Once, not long ago, Clayton was abroad making a name for himself in European kermises. That is, before his team folded and he was forced to return to the states. Clayton currently races for AXA Equitable and is considered by many as a 'crit king'. But that is only his second priority these days. First priority is completing his PhD at Penn State in Energy Engineering. Many of the local roadies here in COMO know him from his visits to our town to see his significant other. It is upon those occasions when he joins in on the group rides and inflicts a special kind of pain and suffering upon all of those who try to hang with him. The man is scary fast, or so I've been told. I never see him long enough to know for sure as I'm almost always shelled out long before the real fireworks begin.

Last year, he won the Iron Hill crit in West Chester, PA - his first win at the national level which allowed him to take the lead in the overall crit series.

A part of PEZ's interview with him that I found particularly interesting was the question of doping:

PEZ: What's your take on the recent flurry of drug scandals?

CB: I think cycling has a long way to go before anyone can have faith in the system.....The contador situation is hard to understand, one day he's guilty and the next he's off scot free. When you compare that situation with Tom Zirbel, it makes you wonder how much money has to do with it all. I have doubts about the 'cleanliness' of some guys I race against, but in five years of US racing I've been tested once.

Speed and talent aside, Clayton is a hell of a nice guy. I know the COMO group appreciates the sufferfest that he always is happy to share with it.

And speaking of scary fast...I was interested to see today's results of Tirreno-Adriatico. Tyler Farrar learned what it's like to be a leprechaun and find a prize at the end of the rainbow. That rainbow being none other than the mighty World Champion Thor Hushovd who pulled his ass all the way to the finish.

How's that for a lead out man?

But damn, someone really needs to advise Farrar a bit on his victory pose.

I've not seen a double devil hand-sign executed this well since the Quiet Riot tour of 1983.

Isn't it Vaughter's job to be taking care of shit like this. I mean - he is the ultimate man of etiquette and good form - right? Take his pre-race tweet and photo:

@Vaughters: Anyone still use these for anything but pure recreation anymore?

Recreation?

True/False True Fact: Your father is always right....(sometimes)

2011-03-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

I love my father. And since he has retired, I've noticed that he emails me a lot more. Rarely are the emails very informative - but rather contain a lot of spam or chain messages others have sent to him. This is one I received last week regarding tips on how to pump gas. Maybe you've received it as well. (I apologize in advance for its length.....)

TIPS ON PUMPING GAS
Here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL. The reason for this is the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

To have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do.

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)...and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. How long would it take?

After I read this, I smirked like a gambler who's holding a royal flush. My commuter bike was sitting in the corner of my office, a little muddy from the morning ride in to work. "Oh, silly father - does it really need to be so complicated?" I thought.

I replied to his email:

Dad,
Thanks so much for this note. I'm forwarding it onto a few of my friends as instructed. Plus I've added an illustrated tip of my own that I've noticed helps reduce the number of trips to the gas station. I hope that was OK.

Ride a bike.

Love,
PooBy

I got no response. Fast forward to the weekend. The GEEC and I decided to ride our bicycles to and from the True/False film festival all weekend. Despite the foul weather, the streets were teaming with like-minded cycling movie-goers and every bike rack we saw was piggy-piled with bicycles. We waved at others on their bikes, riding quickly to and fro with laminated movie passes flapping at the end of lanyards around their necks. We smiled, and nearly broke into song...just like this:

It was in the midst of this little cycling smug-bubble, between movies 3 and 4 on Satuday, that I began to get a little sleepy and decided I needed some coffee. The GEEC and I dashed over to Starbuck's to grab a quick cup of coffee before our next movie. We emerged with warm cups in our hands, unlocked the bikes and I attempted to throw my leg over the top tube. Now, were I more astute, perhaps I would have been able to sense the cosmic tumblers that were begining to fall into position in delayed response to the snarky reply I had sent to my father's email days beforehand. Regardless, as I mounted my bicycle, I felt a sudden resistance in the movement of my leg and then heard a loud POP. The resistance had vanished and a sudden rush of very cold air entered my groinal region. I looked down to see that I had blown the entire crotch out of my jeans. Luckily, the weather was cold enough that day that I decided to wear long johns underneath. The GEEC, of course, snapped a picture.

Two attractive college-aged girls passed by on the sidewalk at that very moment and looked at my tattered pants. They didn't snigger, they didn't giggle. The look on their faces was as if they were watching a crow disembowel a road-killed skunk in the middle of the street. The ride home was drafty and long and I wished I was in my car, which incidentally was on empty and required filling before we drove it to our final movie of the night.

Thanks for the tips, Dad.

Friday Mail: True or False?

2011-03-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

Those of you far-flung readers who don't reside here in the lovely Columbia, MO will likely be unaware that we are in the midst of utter pandomonium due to the invasion of the True/False Film Festival which began last night. This is the time of year when COMOmians pretend like we actually live in Park City, UT and walk around with laminated passes around our necks and sit through movies about chess and hand-signing chimpanzees and then end up with diaper rash due to the swamp ass that follows trying to cram in 14 movies over a four-day period....that is - if you are into that kind of thing.

For those of you that are, I give you a challenge! Traffic downtown is going to be a cluster-fu-man-chu, so why not ride your bike to your movie? If you do, Cyclextreme is offering FREE valet bike parking both Saturday and Sunday from 12PM until 8 PM at the 10th and Cherry Parking Garage on the Tenth Street entrance. The COMO bike brigade will park your bike securely out of the weather for no charge. And if you are feeling extra smug by attending a documentary film festival on bicycle, then why not go the extra mile and give your bike a spa treatment while it is parked? For $10, the COMO bike brigade will not only park your bike, but clean and lube the chain, clean your rims, deglaze your brake pads and check your pressure for you. All proceeds go to Zambikes.org, an organization that provides bikes, bike carts and bike ambulances to villages in Zambia.

And with that - let's get to this week's mail!

Dear Poobah,
About 2 years ago I got tired of riding by myself and tried to start riding with some cyclists here in town that claim to be the "fast group." I am by no means "fast," but thought it would be a great way to meet others and enjoy some of the social aspects of cycling . However, this did not last too long. At every ride I was told to "go big or go home" and because I did not understand what is meant by "go big," I inevitably ended up being shunned and indrectly told to go home. Since then I have been saddened by the lack of social support between cyclists here in Columbia and have spent my time riding alone and pondering what it means to "go big." Finally, in relation to one of your previous posts, I think I have realized the meaning of "going big" by my discovery of the following DVD, along the roadside, while out riding. Is this truly what the fast group means by "go big?" Because if it is, I think I'll just go home.
Thanks,
Frank Catalog

Censored with a single-fezzed Shatner for your protection.

Frank,
Thanks for your note. This seems to be a common theme. Let's try to take some lessons from the little item you found along the roadside and apply them to the group you are trying to break into. I don't expect this will change anyone's opinion - but it's still worth a shot. Did you ever read that book, "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten?" Well - the same holds true for cycling and porn. Every good director of pornos has already learned that...

"You've got to go slow to go fast." Shooting off your wad every10 minutes of every ride results in some pretty lackluster results.
"It's more fun with a partner." If you are all about seeing how many people you can drop on your group rides, pretty soon, the only one you are going to be playing with is yourself.
"New faces are welcome," Pornstaches went out a long time ago - so getting some new folks involved keeps things a lot more fun to look at.

Poobah,
I just wanted to share with you a super secret training device that a certain Howard county native uses...

That's the BOCOMO peloton's own "Benji", with a "saddle cyst" (a.k.a. 80's era ankle weight strapped to his seat post). Dominic Klemme ain't got nuthin' on Benji.

Trevor R.

Trevor,
Thanks so much for the head's up on this little gem. At first I thought he had applied a muffler to his seat post, which many "hefty riders" will use to quiet the creaks and moans that can come from an overworked seat-post clamp. By the way - I would be cautious in comparing this Benji to Dominic Klemme....putting a cyclist on a pedastal so high with skin that pale could result in some serious sun burns.

Dear PooBah,
I just recently started going to a new bike shop because the mechanic there is so friendly and always smiles at me. The only problem is that he speaks very broken English and has a very thick German accent. Sometimes I'm not even sure what he is suggesting my bike needs? Do you think I should stick out the language barrier and keep working with him, or find somebody new?
Thank you!
Kristina L.

Kristina,

First things first, pull your pants up - your muffin top is showing. Seconly - I'd stick it out with him. Nobody understands mechanical things like the Germans. And if you play your cards right - Fat Adolf might just invite you back to his fortified bunker one day to show you his wienerschnitzel collection.

Dear PooBah,
Your recent Swimsuit Edition featured nothing but ladies. What gives? I for one would like to see more scantily clad dudes with bicycles. Can you help a sister out?
Thanks
Emily T.

Emily,

I know. I've taken a lot of heat over that post. I hope this will appease you a bit.

Dear PooBah,
Have you heard about the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic in which cyclists race the steam engine that runs between Durango and Silverton, CO? I want to try it this year and thought I could train by racing the locomotives here in town. I'm not part of a team, though. Do you think without support and sponsorship that I will have a chance?
Thanks!
Veronika G.

Veronika,

I think your training program will attract a lot of attention....you should secure yourself some sponsorship in no time.

Have a good weekend, kids. If you are free around 4:45 today - don't forget to jump in on the True/False March March Parade starting at Sampson Hall by the Stephens College Visitor Center.

Vindication and inner peace...

2011-03-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that the road season has only just begun, there have been some early rumblings in the pro-peloton regarding various groups that have yet to secure a big win: One is from the entire country of Belgium, and the other is Team Trek Leopard. But like some sort of cosmic vindication for red-headed cyclists everywhere, Dominic Klemme (the object of much COMO CYCO ginger-related teasing) pulled off a sweet victory this week at the GP Le Samyn.

For all the shit I have given this lad, I'd like to congratulate him on his win. I am quite sure that with the fully loaded roster of Leopard, no one saw Klemme as the guy who would take the team's first major victory. I know I have, upon occasion, posted humerous photos of Dominic in the past. But in light of his first major victory, I'd like to give credit where credit is due and try to shine a new, more flattering light on this champion of the Leopards!

This is one of the only photos I could find of him on the podium - I swear!

Yes - anonymity in the peloton can be a very good thing when it comes to making a break and having it stick. Now that others are learning that Klemme has some legs under him, getting away the next time may prove to be a bit more difficult. Which is exactly what some of the Belgians are lamenting as of late. Take one Belgian in particular; Tom Boonen.... word is he's a little frustrated by how he is being marked in the peloton these days.

"...it's always the same thing. If I move a finger, I have half the peloton on my back watching me, while lads like Langevald or Flecha can escape without even really attacking, just by accelerating a little."

Tommeke, Tommeke....shhhhhh.....relax.

And speaking of Belgians finding their inner peace, RaceRadio recently uncovered the program from Team RadioShack directeur Johan Bruyneel's 2002 wedding. Why, you may ask, should I mention such a thing on this cycling blog? Shouldn't I refrain from delving into the personal lives of cycling personalities? Probably. But it's rare that I'm touched by items of such beauty, and I find myself incapable of refraining from sharing these with you, dear reader.

Front Cover

I love this photo of Eva Maria, Johan and Johan's sweaty right foot.

Inside

It's not even the wedding night yet and he still has a handful!

Back Cover

The money shot.

I have a confession to make. Sometimes, when I'm feeling blue, I just stare at the last photo and listen to this, and a feeling comes over me that everything is going to be all right...

Weekend Recap: Racing, Radios and Rages

2011-03-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

First order of business today is to send out a big congratulations to our local boys and girls who competed and ran the Froze Toes race over the weekend. It wasn't quite Belgium, but not far off with a little rain, a little sun, a little fog, a little mud, and a little blood. Special mention is in order to the CBC race team and club who worked so hard to put on a great race and CBC cyclists Jason Wulff and Jason Ozenberger, who had top 10 finishes in the Pro I-III race and Gideon Bennett who won the Cat 3-4.

You can check out photos of the race taken by Elizabeth Rangel on facebook, here. As ever, she did a great job with the photos despite having her jeep stuck axle deep in the mud all day. Of all her photos, this one is my favorite. I hope the Big Shark cyclist will forgive my addition of a caption.

In other cycling news, of course this past weekend was a big one in Belgium with the Omloop on Saturday and Kuurne on Sunday. There was some speculation that a rider protest over the recent UCI radio ban might occur, but it never materialized. I go back and forth on the radio ban issue myself, but think it has to ultimately be up to the racers. They are the ones out there on the pavement and pave day after day, and if the majority wants them, it seems like Fat Pat should be listening. I mean - Pat remembers what is was like to be a cyclist - right?

Dayammmm - check out my boy getting macked on back in the day! This photo almost makes me respect him a little bit. Ok - I'm over it now.

That said, how could anyone actually want this going on in their ear?

And lastly for today, I'm giving out a little bit of homework. If you commute to work or school by bicycle, you may want to take a peek at a well-written article appearing in this month's Outside magazine:

Rage Against Your Machine

When did riding a bicycle become a political act?

The article has become particularly poignant in light of something that happened in Brazil over the weekend. The driver of a black VW Golf intentionally plowed his car through a critical mass demonstration Friday night in the town of Porto Alegre, hitting 20 cyclists and putting 9 in the hospital. Here's a screen grab from the video.

The video is viewable on youtube if you feel so inclined to find it, but it is not easy to watch - let me warn you.

Granted - a critical mass demonstration is something political, and far different from simply riding to work in the morning, or God-forbid, training out on a less-traveled country road. But the indifference that the motorist shows to life, regarless of the demonstration surrounding him, is near surreal. The driver of the car has turned himself over to police and is claiming "self defense" for he and his passenger, his 15 year old son, who felt threatened when the cyclists "started hitting the car." The cyclists he is accusing and hit included women and children.

"He felt cornered, he acted to protect his son who was in the car," his attorney said.

I am generally opposed to critical mass demonstrations, but am probably a little more opposed to one turning their Volkswagen into a snow-plow. I also hate waiting in long lines at the airport trying to get through security while stupid people ahead of me cannot figure out in advance how to put their stinking liquids and gels into a separate baggy, but that doesn't mean I take a running start into the crowd and mow them all down to get to my gate.

I hate ending posts on a downer note so here's a random picture of Cavendouche playing nerf pistoleros with his girlfriend's son to hopefully raise your spirits back up....

Ride safe and don't critically mass yourself anywhere....

Friday Mail: Grey Manrod Retraction and Omloop Eve

2011-02-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

First order of business today is a retraction the size of which would even impress Pat McQuaid regarding Wednesday's post about the Grey Manrod Associates lawfirm which is representing Floyd Landis in his dealings with the UCI. As you are aware, NYVelocity publishes all of Mr. Landis' emails as well as those of his attorneys Sigmund A. Manrod and Chade O. Grey. Well, after our Wednesday post, NYVelocity was less than happy with our accusation that Grey Manrod was a fictitious firm, and they tweeted the following message to the Manrod firm with a link to our post:

"People STILL think @GreyManrod is fake. I'm sorry they don't believe in miracles"

I just want both GreyManrod and NYVelocity to know that we here at COMO CYCO are firm believers in both miracles and GreyManrod. In an attempt to make amends, we would like to place an order for some GreyManrod merchandise, namely the gangsta' hat.

Do they come in any other colors?

We'd also like to extend an open invitation to Mr. Chade O. Grey to be interviewed via email exclusively for this blog. Please email me if you are interested at comocyco@gmail.com.

Second order of business, for the reader who was still a little confused by Wednesday's post and wished for a more explicit explanation of the roles Pat McQuaid and Hein Verbruggen are playing in the Floyd Wars Saga, I hope this helps.

Emperor Verbruggen Darth McQuaid

(Feel free to cut and past their images in your Floyd Wars Saga schematic)

On to some Friday biznezz... this Friday is a special Friday. Because this Friday is also known as Omloop's Eve so named because tomorrow is the first race of the Belgian road cycling season, called Omloop Het Nieuwsblad (pronounced "AM-loop het NEE-blah-blah"). But today, you can celebrate the Flanders classic by hanging a pair of your best sweaty, muddy cyclocross socks from the mantlepiece and rubbing your favorite pair of ornamental cobbles until St. Molenberg cycles across your front lawn and curses at you in Flemish.

St. Molenberg is the patron saint of sprinters, and as such was a great fan of blowing his own horn.

Oh, how I wish I was going to be on the snowy and muddy cobbled streets of Belgium this weekend. However, as we cannot spend the weekend in Belgium and instead will be in glorious Missouri where the weather is beautiful and the roads are dry, let's be thankful for the smorgasbord of cycling events going on right here. On Sunday the Froze Toes race is going down if you will be in COMO, and if you will be in St. Louis, you may want to check out the Death by Hills ride, put on by Team Seagal.

And now to a couple of letters:

PooBah,
I just found out that PedNet will not be conducting their Cycle Recycle event this year due to a budget constraint. Budget constraint? How much money does it take to run that program? I've enclosed a photograph of the bike that my son received last year at the event which should explain my frustration.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Columbia Resident

Frustrated,

To answer your first question first:

"Budget constraint?" A budget constraint is defined by a situation in which limited funds make reprioritizing tasks necessary.

As to your second question:

"How much money does it take to run that program?" Approximately 40 million kroner. Ok - I just made that up. I have absolutely no idea.

Lastly, to address your frustration: First imagine how I feel! I just learned that the seat on your kid's bike was swiped out of my front yard last year, dammit! That was my best lawn chair....

Dear PooBah,

I've got red hair. I've noticed that upon occasion you like to make fun of people with red hair. It's not cool, dude. We deserve the same courtesy as cyclists with brown hair, blonde hair or no hair at all. And you really need to lay off of Team Leopard's red-headed superstar Dominic Klemme as well. The guy is my fricking hero.

Anonymous

Anonymous

OK, I promise. I will lay off the ~~ginger~~ red-head jokes. But regarding Klemme, come on, man....

Even Jens laughs at his ass....

Dear PooBah,
Who is the scariest pro road cyclist?
Thanks!
Gerry T.

Gerry-
Man that's tough. There's a lot of ways to define "scary"......there's scary good, there's scary intimidating, there's scary fast.....then there's scary looking. I'm going to assume you're speaking of the last possibility - scary looking. And for that I am reminded of an old Twilight Zone episode that freaked the shit out of me when I was a kid....I think the episode was called "Nightmare at 20,000 feet" and starred William Shatner who sees some kind of gremlin on the wing of the airplane he is flying in, tearing apart one of the engines. Well I recently stumbled upon a photograph of Edvald Boasson Hagen of Team Sky after he woke up on a flight to Oslo which was oddly reminiscent of that damned gremlin....

Dear PooBah,

I finally did it! I finally learned to do a track stand on my fixie! I'm going to get me some hipster-tail now! Thought you should know...

Mr. Hottie

Mr. Hottie,

Nice work! I would agree - you're going to be fighting the hipster-chicks off now....Especially since most of them love dating guys they can share bras with.

Dear PooBah,
Everytime I ride to work my skirt gets caught up in the rear wheel, so I have to keep hiking it up to get it out of the way. I've heard of something called a skirt guard that women can put on their bicycles to keep their skirt out of the spokes. I've never tried one but want to know if they work before I spend a lot of money on one.
Thank you so much!
Angela B.

Angela,

Great question. Unfortunately, they don't work at all. You're method is working much better - and is a lot cheaper - right?

Have a great weekend. Ride and race safe!

Grey Manrod Associates

2011-02-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

When we last left the Landis saga, the UCI was threatening to sue Floyd because he had insulted "the honour" of current President Pat McQuaid and past-President Hein Verbruggen in an interview given to a German television show and summarized in the following statement sent to Floyd on Feb 7th.

"For the record, you basically indicate that the UCI and its current and former leaders may protect certain cyclists suspected of doping and not others, may falsify results and create stars, and that they may be corrupt."

Days later, Mr. McQuaid was then interviewed by Cycling Weekly, portions of which appeared in this article dated February 10, 2011.

"A lot of the stuff he [Landis] says in relation to what went on in those years is probably true," admitted McQuaid....."There was a lot of doping going on in those teams in those years....If it [American Supreme Court decision] proves that the US Postal Team were involved in a lot of doping, it wouldn't necessarily surprise me. In those days it was possible to beat the system."

Last week, however, past-president Hein Verbruggen was back on the warpath as he emerged from the shadows to criticize the cycling media for focusing too much on doping in the sport, which he states only affects "one or two percent of the sport", yet receives "50% of the coverage." Maybe we should cut the old-timer some slack and chalk this statement up to short-term memory loss. But to refresh his memory, let's look at the VeloNews article published on the 16th of this month (the day Armstrong retired for a second time) which showed the list of the top 20 of the 2005 Tour de France - both in terms of placing and doping.

1. Lance Armstrong, Discovery Channel

2. Ivan Basso, CSC – confessed to Puerto involvement and banned from 2006 Tour ()
3. Jan Ullrich, T-Mobile – connected to Puerto and banned from 2006 Tour
4. Francisco Mancebo, Illes Balears – connected to Puerto and banned from 2006 Tour
5. Alexander Vinokourov, Astana – tested positive for doping at 2007 Tour
6. Levi Leipheimer, Gerolsteiner — accused of doping by Floyd Landis and former Gerolsteiner manager
7. Michael Rasmussen, Rabobank – ejected from 2007 Tour while in the yellow jersey
8. Cadel Evans, Davitamon-Lotto
9. Floyd Landis, Phonak – disqualified as 2006 Tour winner for doping
10. Oscar Pereiro, Phonak – alleged to have doped by Landis
11. Christophe Moreau, Credit Agricole – admitted EPO use after Festina Affaire
12. Yaroslav Popovych, Discovery Channel – home searched
13. Eddy Mazzoleni, Lampre-Caffita – charged in doping conspiracy after receiving a two-year ban in 2008
14. George Hincapie, Discovery Channel — accused of doping by Floyd Landis
15. Haimar Zubeldia, Euskaltel-Euskadi
16. Jörg Jaksche, Liberty Seguros – admitted doping since 1997
17. Bobby Julich, CSC
18. Oscar Sevilla, T-Mobile – suspended by team in 2006 for Puerto links
19. Giuseppe Guerini, T-Mobile
20. Carlos Sastre, CSC
Also, 23. Leonardo Piepoli, Saunier Duval-Prodir – tested positive for CERA in 2008

2005 was the year that Lance stood on the podium and said to those who doubted the performance of the upper echilon of Tour cyclists, "I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry you don't believe in miracles."

Even if you exclude everyone on this list that was merely accused or suspected of doping by Floyd, that still leaves 50% of the cyclists finishing in the top 20 guilty of doping. Hein, if you are reading, even a miracle can't make 50% be less than 1%.

How has Floyd responded to all of this seeming hypocrisy? Enter Mr. Chade O. Grey and Mr. Sigmund Manrod, attorneys at law for a firm entitled Grey Manrod, Associates.

Under the noms des plume of Grey & Manrod, Floyd has sent a long list of emails to the UCI that are yes, hilarious, but also ask some incredibly good questions. You can read all the emails at the NYVelocity site: here.

My favorite of which, however, is this one, penned by Mr. Sigmund Manrod to Mr. Ditesheim, the UCI attorney on Feb. 20th.

Mr. Ditesheim, the previous letter sent by you, dated 07 Feb 2011 requires a retraction by Mr. Landis. It sets a 15-day window for such a retraction to be submitted. Given the points listed above which detail the fundamental concession that Mr. Landis' statements are "probably true", the established fact that Mr. McQuaid and Mr. Verbruggen are public figures, and that Article 17 of the United Nations International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights requires the predicate of "unlawful attack" to be the basis for legal recourse, we feel that Mr. Landis has acted in a "lawful" manner at all times since he has disclosed his previous behaviours, has told the truth (as accepted by Mr. McQuaid). We consider the threat of any further legal action against him by your clients to be baseless and frivolous, serving the sole purpose of chilling his voice as it relates to his truthful comments to the media, and further exposure of truths about many facets of professional cycling during this period.

It is public knowledge that Mr. Landis has cooperated with the US Food and Drug Administration in providing his eye-witness accounts and conveyed his truthful knowledge of doping during his cycling career. For your information, providing false statements to the US Food and Drug Administration in the course of an investigation carries with it severe penalties. Mr. Landis maintains that he proffered his truthful recollections to the authorities. Mr. Landis understand his responsibility to tell the truth in this matter, and given the radical and direct contradiction of previously made statements by Mr. McQuaid, it is encouraging to see that they, too, understand the import of coming to terms with the truth in the matter.

Please feel free to answer [these] questions.

Primary question: As now Mr. McQuaid has conceded that the "stuff" that Mr. Landis has conveyed is "probably true", are we to still follow Mr. McQuaid's seemingly flippant mention that things he says in the past will be stood by today, despite this being a direct contradiction?In the absence of your direct answers and given the consideration of Mr. McQuaid’s current concession that Mr. Landis' statements are "probably true", we will consider this to be closure to this matter.

Secondary question: If Mr. McQuaid is now allowing for changes to his position and public statement, can you please indicate which part of his "honour" still remains damaged?

Tertiary question: If there still remains some damage, what form is this damage? Please provide documentation as to this damage.

Finest regards,

Sigmund A. Manrod

Say what you will about past transgressions, Landis brings up some pretty serious contradictions in the UCI's behavior, both formerly and presently. If these questions and allegations were raised by a reporter for the NY Times, or Wall Street Journal, I think they would be taken a lot more seriously and obviously reach a wider audience. But what will the cycling community do with them coming from fictitious (and hilarious) attorneys at law, Grey & Manrod? The questions are the same and just as relevant regardless who is asking them, even if he is wearing double-middle-finger shades.

Oh yeah, and while all of this is going on, Contador is still racing, despite the WADA rule that ANY clenbuterol found in your system is enough to have you serving a suspension. When asked about the long delay and current status of Contador's case, McQuaid said he is just following protocol. But I'm wondering, as are others, what happened to proper protocol for other cyclists like Li Fuyu and Tom Zirbel whose positive A-sample results were announced before B-samples were even tested. Both of them are still sitting out, and appropriately so. Where is the equality amongst cyclists that the UCI is so proud of? It will be interesting to see what Grey Manrod has to say about all of the upcoming developments....

Translation: "Danger! (out of work)" Further translation: "I've got lots of time on my hands, bitches."

Now, I realize that with all these different names of people and places and entities, this entire saga is getting pretty hard to follow. So if you are having difficulties keeping track of who's who in this whole mess, I've put together a schematic for you using real pictures of all the places and people involved where I can. There were a few individuals and locations that I couldn't find pictures of - so I just filled them in with substitutes. I hope this helps make future discussion of this ongoing story a lot easier. Click to enlarge.